


I Should Be

by ImmoralOwl



Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies)
Genre: Coping, Death, Depression, Emotional Constipation, Ethical Dilemmas, Heavy Angst, Introspection, Loss, M/M, Panic Attacks, Passive Suicidal Ideation, Past Abuse, Psychological Drama, Questioning, Survivor Guilt, Swearing, Team as Family, Understanding, therapeutic writing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-18
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2020-05-14 00:19:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 23,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19262134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImmoralOwl/pseuds/ImmoralOwl
Summary: Yondu lives a happy life after his flirt with Death on Ego, for awhile anyway, but nothing good ever lasts forever. Now he has to come face to face with Death again but it's not his own life the bony hand is reaching out for. How's he supposed to deal with this? It was easy when it was his own .This has two endings planned btw and I'll post both so if the character death sounds too depressing there's one where it doesn't happen.





	1. Separate Ways

**Author's Note:**

> Someone on Tumblr reached out and asked about the snippet from this that I posted months and months ago and it was SO uplifting!  
> It got barely any attention so I just assumed no one really cared and forgot about it.  
> To hear someone specifically say they couldn't wait to read it, ahhh my black little heart ya'll!!!  
> So here it is!

Chapter 1 **Separate Ways**

Song: Separate Ways by Aekasora

 

Yondu sent out a distress signal the second his boots hit the cock pit of his ship, but it didn't make a difference in the end.  
Not just the Guardians but every living soul capable or willing to help in the universe was too far from the little unnamed planet when disaster decided Kraglin Obfonteri looked like he needed a friend.

Yondu remembers the events in slow motion as he leans against a windowsill, staring unseeing off in the distance in the hallway of a pristine hospital on the closest planet he could find with medical care more advanced than a band aid or sage burning.  
Yondu remembers feeling like all the air had been sucked from his lungs, how his body felt like it had turned to stone and weighed a ton before running, digging in blind desperation.  
Finding no signs of Kraglin until he did and then almost wishing he hadn't.  
He remembers a weak smile and half lidded blue eyes.  
In his memory the run to the ship carrying Kraglin's limp form takes hours when it was actually minutes, then everything is a blur, flashes of him hooking up what little medical equipment they had on board to Kraglin, putting out a call for help, trying to stop the bleeding, pushing the ship to the limits of what she could take to get somewhere, anywhere that could help.

He's torn from his thoughts as a nurse comes through the doors that he only vaguely remembers a gaggle of staff wheeling Kraglin through hours before.  
She says something to the young lady sitting at the desk just outside the doors and before he can take more than two steps and open his mouth to call to her she's back through the doors.

Yondu's never been a patient man, sure he could spend as much time on a job or sweating a client as he needed, but it didn't mean he liked it or wanted to.  
Waiting here, now, for this, makes his skin crawl.  
He wants to burst in there, to yell and scream and make them hurry, talk to him at the very least, but he knows it won't do any good.

There’s no one else in this section of the hospital, just a long white hallway that ends in a set of formidable looking metal doors with a reception desk just outside of them and 4 backless chairs along the opposite wall.  
At the other end of the hall is another set of doors leading to the rest of the hospital, a bathroom, the large picture window he’s been starring out and a coffee cart.  
There’s no noise like he figures a hospital should have, no people chatting as they wait for their loved ones or people arguing to be seen quicker.  
There’s not even any screams or sobs here.  
It's the silence that's slowly driving him mad.

It's a reminder he's alone.

Yondu makes his way back down to the desk, but the girl sitting behind it is busy typing a mile a minute soundlessly on her keyboard and doesn't notice him.  
He's not used to that, he's used to being noticed.  
Yondu taps on the desk to get her attention and almost regrets it when she looks at him and smiles sadly when recognition hits her, he's the one that came in with the man in the trauma operating room right now.  
He opens his mouth to ask if there's anything new she can tell him, to ask what the nurse said, but the words are stuck and he's not used to that either.  
He's Yondu Udonta, he doesn't get tongue tied.  
"I'm sorry, sir," she says, as if those words are going to help, "I can't tell you anything yet, but someone will be out to speak with you soon", and then she goes back to typing.  
Yondu would make a fuss about how callous it seems but he doesn't want a pity party anyway.  
This is her job after all, and he's probably the millionth person she's said those same words to.  
Maybe in the beginning of her career she was a little more forthcoming with things like affinity and empathy for the people pacing this hall on pins and needles but after awhile you get desensitized to it all.  
He knows how that is, when he first entered battles as a slave he felt guilt, sorrow, fear, all the things a good warrior shouldn't, or at least what the Kree told him they shouldn't, and after awhile, after so many deaths, the pleading looks of his victims just rolled off his back to keep himself from losing his mind.  
Distance keeps you sane.  
He wanders to the complimentary coffee cart and fixes a cup, he's not even thirsty, but it's a couple minutes relief from the waiting and nothingness as he makes it.  
It doesn't taste right and he's just about to have a bitter laugh at himself for not even knowing how to make his own coffee the way he likes it when his com beeps.

At first his brain doesn't register it as such, he freezes and for just a flash Kraglin is lying on a gurney in front of him with a monitor coming to life in the same mechanical tone and doctors and nurses all crowded and someone pushing him aside.  
When it passes he can see it's Rocket, he's on a little moon called Reyell a day or so and a jump away, has Groot with him, they're on their way and he's asking what's going on.  
Yondu doesn't answer, he can't, even he doesn't know what's going on.  
In all his little surrogate family (outside of Kraglin of course), it's Rocket he talks the most often to.  
He knows he'll understand the silence for what it is.  
It drives Peter crazy that he doesn't talk to him as often because he's his kid after all, but Yondu figures that's part of way he does it.  
Riling Peter up?  
It's always been funny.  
Since they went their separate ways once he was all healed up after the whole Ego fiasco, he hasn't talked much to his kid, here and there, enough so they know the other one isn't dead yet and a happy whatever the holiday of the season is, a couple times they’ve even spent a few of those holidays together but he knows it hasn't been enough.

Some part of him knows Peter had wanted to have a big sloppy heart to heart and he should have let him, but instead they danced around the elephant in the room, hugged it out for longer than was comfortable and promised to keep in touch before the galaxy needed Peter again.  
He'd never been good at opening up, he just hoped after what were supposed to be his dying words Peter understood him a little better and wouldn't hold it against him that they hadn't done as much "fatherly bonding" as Quill probably would have liked since his extended stint in Stakar's medical bay.  
Peter coms him as he's contemplating it, he's three or four days away and the other Guardians are even further.  
Gamora is with Nebula helping clear up the remnants of Thanos' army on the other side of the galaxy over.  
Drax and Mantis are seeking out any possible other offspring of Ego that hadn't been delivered to ensure they don't carry their Father's temperament so to speak, even with the light of Ego gone there was always a chance it hadn't truly died within some other halfling as it had in Peter.

He doesn't need any of the others, though, so he responds to Peter where he didn't to Rocket and tells him so.  
Nicely for once.  
Peter is asking a million questions he doesn't have the answers to and spilling words of sentimental encouragement that he's not sure he believes just yet, but at least it's a distraction.  
At least he feels a little less alone.  
It lasts until inevitably those ominous soundproof steel doors to the abyss that swallowed all the staff and Kraglin so many hours ago open again.


	2. When the Promise of a Brave New World Unfurled Beneath a Clear Blue Sky

 

Chapter 2 **When the Promise of a Brave New World Unfurled Beneath a Clear Blue Sky**

Song: Blue Sky by Pink Floyd

 

The sound of the door decompressing to release the hermetic seal is both a blessing and a curse.  
Yondu drops his barely touched coffee into the trash, it's been stone cold for almost 3 hours now anyway, puts his com on silent mode and heads toward the nurses and doctors.  
They all scurry past him except the one that had been barking the loudest at everyone just after they'd first arrived at the hospital.  
His face as unreadable as if he'd still been wearing his surgical mask.  
"How'd it go Doc?" Yondu asks, his voice that much more gravely from not speaking since they'd arrived.  
"Mr. Udonta, perhaps you'd like to take a seat" he says as he gestures with the lowest pair of his six arms at the chairs behind Yondu.  
"That bad huh?" Yondu jokes but it's void of any real humor.  
The doctor waits just a moment but when Yondu doesn't make a move to sit he continues talking.  
"As you know Mr. Obfonteri was in severe, critical, condition when he was brought in. There wasn't much hope but I want you to know we've tried everything we can to stabilize him on his own. Do you know what your crewman" and Yondu cuts him off before he can continue.  
"Husband" he says defensively as he crosses his arms over his chest.  
"Your husband" the doctor amends "are you aware of if and what your husbands continuance plans may have been?"  
Yondu sucks the corner of his top lip in and lets a lower canine show, _continuance plan_ , he's not entirely sure what the doctor is talking about but there's this teeny tiny voice whispering out to him from the darkest recesses of his mind that seems to know but he'll be damned if he's going to admit he doesn't know, or, worse, listen to that tiny voice.  
"Like where to get rehab?" he asks as he drops his arms to his side and fidgets with the units in his coat pocket.  
"No, Mr. Udonta, like organ donation" one of the doctors three eyes flick to his watch for the fourth time since walking out the doors, it's not discrete enough that Yondu doesn't notice.

It starts in his belly, a cold little flower, slow to unfurl, tendrils grasping at the rest of him bit by bit.

Kraglin wouldn't like the idea of having someone else's organs inside of him.  
They watched some documentary once, years ago, before Yondu made captain, about how some times people who had an organ from some one else implanted ended up having memories of the donor and liking and disliking some of the same things, like that piece of them wasn't aware who they were in any more or trying to take over the new host.  
Kraglin had shuddered at the thought and, conspiracy theory loving as always, went off on a tangent about how it could be used to create some kind of designer soldier or secret eternal dictator.

"No... no he wouldn't like that, no organs, no living veggie" Yondu says, but he makes a mental note to look into synthetics later if he can't convince Kraglin to roll the dice with the real deal.  
"I see, in that case he can be moved to a private room upstairs momentarily, there wasn't much to salvage anyway but some people find comfort in knowing a piece of their loved one is out there, continuing on if you will. A nurse can take you up now if you'd like to wait in the ninth floor lobby.  
Mr. Obfonteri has had a long life, longer than most in your profession. I assume you'll want to wait until any family and friends get here to terminate the life support functions."  
Yondu interjects 'uh-huh' and 'yeah' as the doctor talks, it's just reflex, he's used to doing it when people talk because it makes them think you're listening when you aren't and he _is_ listening but it takes a moment for things to hit.

That last line hits and the doctor is still talking but it's mumbled and doesn't make any sense.  
Yondu stumbles back and falls into one of the chairs hard enough it creaks in protest, almost loud enough from him to hear past the rushing blood in his ears.  
The air in the room is suddenly stale and suffocating.  
Everything is spinning and drifting away from him.  
Time is moving both as slow as an Andorian slug and faster than a Syrillian hawk.

"Just nod if you can hear me" the doctor says as he stares into Yondu's eyes from his position standing before him, trying to gauge if the man understood a single word he had said past the words life support, he probably hasn't.  
"You're only comin' through in waves. Your lips move, but I can't hear what you're saying", Yondu's voice is a million miles away, disconnected, though he slowly nods as the words come out, his eyes are clouded over and there's no saliva to get any more words out after that.  
Xandarians are one of the heartiest humanoid species in the galaxy, they take a lot to injure and even more to keep down.  
They have long lifespans, hell just look at Nova Prime, that old bird's going to out live even the Collector, by all rights Kraglin shouldn't be anywhere near the end of his.  
Kraglin is still pretty young, maybe not as young as he used to be or tires to pretend if all the grey hair had anything to say about it, but young enough to bounce back, after all he's suffered countless injuries when they were a target for every upstart, usurper or name seeker in the stars.  
Maybe that life had taken its toll though.  
Maybe they had gotten a little older without even noticing the time.

The doctor pats his shoulder as he tells him to take his time and someone will show him upstairs when he's ready, he can come to his office if he has any questions.  
Then he takes his leave and Yondu is alone, really alone this time because even the girl at the desk isn't there anymore.  
Yondu dry heaves, he takes a few deep breaths, closes his eyes and counts to ten, then ten again a little slower and slower again until he's not sure how many tens have passed.  
This can't be happening.  
It's a nightmare, he's dreaming, he drank too much or maybe ate something that went bad and fell asleep without realizing it.  
Someone he pissed off is getting their revenge and it's just an illusion to hurt him, a mental trick, all in his mind and not real.  
Maybe he's the one that pushed Kraglin out of the way, or neither of them made it out and he's in a coma and this is just his brain running some cruel what if scenario while it has nothing else to do.  
Yondu opens his eyes, he can almost pretend he's not in a hospital if he just stares at the blank wall across from him, he can almost forget why he's here and Gods above does he ever want to walk out and get on his ship, call out to Kraglin to get them in the air and have the ship roar to life and hear "how'd it go Cap'n?" like a thousand days before this one.  
It's a good delusion until he looks down.

Taunting him from under his ragged nails is Kraglin's dried blood and it's not just there, it's mocking him from his shirt and leering at him from his pants, he'd washed his hands and cleaned up as best as he could when one of the nurses ushered him to the bathroom to keep him from making a mess spreading it to everything he touched after they got the basics of the information they needed but there was only so much he could get off without a shower and change of clothes and he sure wasn't going to leave before Kraglin was out of surgery.  
It's not the first time he's been covered in blood, as a slave he often wore the blood of his friends with that of his masters enemies.  
As a Ravager blood was just an accessory of the job.  
It's not the first time he's had Kraglin's blood on him either but the thought that it might be the last makes him clench his fists and dig his nails in the palms of his hands until his own blood mixes with the remnants of Kraglin's.

Yondu heaves a sigh as hefty as he feels at the moment and he feels like someone replaced his bones with cement and his muscles are half dried jerky.  
He supposes he can't put it off any longer, he needs to talk to the doctor again and make sure he heard everything right, but more importantly, he wants numbers.  
Yondu's always been pretty good at math, it was one of his priorities as a rookie so clients wouldn't try to cheat him, so he'd know about profits and expenses to keep a crew happy once he was on his own.  
Numbers are solid, they always tell the truth.  
Right now he needs to hear what the odds are before he commits to placing any bets.

When he gets up his legs wobble just a little but by the time he makes it to the doors he's back to confident steps with the flourish of a man who's well composed and everyone in the main waiting room and lobby as he passes them have no idea it isn't the truth because if Yondu Udonta ever learned to be good at something as a slave besides killing it was putting on a show so no one knew how broken he really was inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So if you catch the song lyrics used during the chapter from a second song then I love you!  
> Hint - They're from another Pink Floyd song that's more well known than Blue Sky  
> Chapter 3 just needs a polish, 4 is almost done as is 5 and then there's at least 3 or 4 more planned after that.  
> Knowing people are looking forward to chapters coming out is certainly an uplifting encouragement to keep working on this!


	3. Mamma Can't Buy You Love

 

 

Chapter 3 Mamma Can't Buy You Love  
Song: Mamma Can't Buy You Love by Elton John

  
The doctor's office is uncluttered, everything is perfectly placed in orderly fashion right down to the pens on his desk. It makes Yondu uncomfortable, sterile environments like this, it reminds of him of the Upper Master's houses where a spot of dirt tracked in earned you a whipping because if you were going to make it dirty it might as well be with your insolent blood.  
He pushes it to the back of his mind, that's not a ghost he wants to be visited by right now as the doctor drones in technical terms he figures he either needs a medical degree or an interpreter to fully understand.  
The gist of it seems to be Kraglin has a 10% chance to pull out of all this and he can't be moved anywhere else, he'd never make it out of atmosphere before his body gave out completely.  
The doctor doesn't come right out and say it of course but Yondu gets the feeling they've already given up on Kraglin and he's wasted space in a busy hospital.  
There's an undertone of 'if you hurry and unplug him we can get someone in that bed with better odds of living and that needs less resources'.  
Yondu doesn't want to give up, he's seen worse odds in the Colosseum, hell Peter only had 12% of plan going against an infinity stone and any Gods taking bets on their fight with Ego probably gave them a generous 3% of not being smashed into space dust, so all in all 10% isn't that bad.  
The doctor explains about the extensive stay Kraglin would require in the hospital after waking up (not that he thinks he'll recover let alone wake up mind you), he'd need intensive physical therapy, be on many medications the rest of his life, the burden of the life long expenses.

The kicker is when the doctor says "you must consider the quality of life rather than the quantity".  
It takes everything in him not to deck the doctor, not to tell him where he can stick his 'quality'.  
Yondu doesn't care if Kraglin is shitting in a bag and wheelchair bound so long as he's just around.  
Kraglin took care of him when he was recovering from his dip in the void, granted it wasn't for as long as the doctor is suggesting he'd have to return the favor for but he knows Kraglin would have been right there for the rest of their lives fussing over him if it came to it.  
Kraglin is not a burden.  
Kraglin is not replaceable.  
Kraglin is his choice.

The ride to the ninth floor in the elevator is quite possibly one of the top longest stretches of time he's ever experienced.  
The first would be that second his slave bands came off and he could breath and move, second was a tie between the wait when Stakar took the breath to sentence him after breaking the code and when Ego casually, almost flippant, mentioned why he never saw any of the other kids he dropped off running around, third would be looking into Peter's face as they flew away from an exploding Ego, fourth, Peter, again because that kid had a way of making him scream internally, reaching for the infinity stone and fifth the silence that followed when he told Kraglin the 'vacation' they were on was permanent and they wouldn't be picking up any new crew or joinging Peter's band of semi-do-gooders for any kind of extended length, so all in all this is probably 6th.  
He wants it to last longer because once the doors open he's going to be walking into Kraglin's room and seeing him lying there is something he's not sure he's ready for because he "needs to make a choice".  
The words echo in his brain until all he can hear is a not far enough away memory of Stakar saying those exact same words, and he wants to make the right choice this time too but he isn't sure what that is.

~~~~~~~Flashback~~~~~~~

It isn't until Yondu sticks his hand up Kraglin's shirt while they kiss on his first night out of medbay and Kraglin looks less than excited that Yondu realizes maybe something has been going on behind his back.  
Kraglin's always been skinny as a snap bean but he hasn't been able to feel his ribs this clear since they were rookies and Kraglin was fresh off the street.  
His second warning sign is when he tries to lift Kraglin's shirt and is stopped with an iron clad grip and nervous laughter as Kraglin bumps their foreheads together and tells him "ya ain't ready, ya just got out an' I don't wanna give ya no reason to break none of them stitches open or nothin", it would have been more convincing if Kraglin had stayed the night instead of leaving the room so Yondu wouldn't have a chance to steal a peek at what he was hiding while he was sleeping.  
When he finally gets a good look it's only because he caught Kraglin in the shower on the Quadrant, and when he asks about the bruises Kraglin looks away, that's telling when Kraglin can't look his Captain in the eye, he says it's from working on the Quad and Milano but Yondu isn't stupid.

Yondu tries to spend more time with Kraglin now that he's up and has free roam but Stakar monopolizes his time.  
Peter is just as bad, so the rest of his time is eaten away by a Terran discovering the Ravager past he'd never known about and how cool everything new is.  
Yondu gets sucked into it because in those moments he gets glimpses of the little boy he picked up that thought everything normal to any spacer was new and amazing, he never realized how much he missed that wide eyed wonder the kid had.  
At meal time Stakar sits on one side of Yondu, Peter on the other, Aleta sits by Stakar and Gamora by Peter and Kraglin is so far down after everyone sits at the table he's too far down for Yondu to notice his food is a little dark and not the most appetizing looking, that is when Kraglin shows up anyway, but it's easy to miss him with everyone sharing stories like the exile never happened.

Peter teases Kraglin that he's starting to look like Rocket with the way the dark circles around his eyes are taking over his face.  
It's hard to tell if they're black eyes or sleep deprivation.  
No one knows it's both.  
Kraglin laughs and brushes it off, hurries to finish the Quad so they can be on their way.  
Peter tells Yondu he guesses that's where Kraglin was while Yondu was recovering when he asks, Peter didn't leave Yondu's side, except when Gamora marched him to the showers or mess hall to eat, to know exactly where his pseudo brother was.  
It wasn't until Yondu was fully awake and threw a fit to Aleta that he wanted, no, needed Kraglin that any of the Guardians had actually seen him.

It isn't until he happens upon Kraglin and Rocket having a screaming match in the Milano while looking for Peter that the truth comes out.  
"What do you mean don't tell him?!", it's Rocket and he sounds not just angry but confused and frustrated like maybe they've been at this awhile.  
"It don't matter none" Kraglin sounds just as angry and frustrated but where Rocket's voice doesn't understand Kraglin's is sad sounding, almost nihilistic about whatever it is they're talking about.  
"The hell it doesn't!"  
"Quad's fixed, Milano'll be done soon, won't none of it matter after that"  
"Won't.... won't matter? Of course it'll matter! You think that walking glow stick is gonna let him just fly out of here?Blue's living it up with these asshats and if he wants his flame..."  
"Then I can handle it! Ain't none of your business, ya think it was any different tha first time around?!"  
It's quiet for a few moments before Kraglin softly says "I ain't gunna fuck nothing up opening ma' mouth again, an' neither should you".

Yondu decides he's heard enough, he needs to know what's been going on behind his back, as he turns the corner what he sees makes his blood boil.  
On the ground is a hand pie with a raccoon size bite out of it, that's not what has him seeing red though, it's the maggots wiggling their way out and the fact he knows Rocket just ate an hour ago which means that pie was meant for Kraglin.

"And just what are ya'll debatin on tellin me?" Yondu says in a way that leaves no room to wiggle out of telling the truth, it's an 'arrow time' voice and neither of them are sure enough to gamble on if it's directed at them or the implied issue.  
Rocket looks to Kraglin and shifts on his feet before he sighs and scratches at one of his ears "Kraglin's got something he needs to tell ya".  
Yondu glances between the two of them, he thinks he's already figured it out but conformation is always that much worse.  
"Well" Kraglin draws the word out slow like he's stalling an execution, "things ain't been, uh" he's fidgeting and won't look at Yondu, it's been months of concealing what's been going on and Kraglin doesn't want to tell him, doesn't know how to start because he knows it's going to go one of two ways when it's all out in the open and he can't handle the thought of either "well the thing is..."  
"Stakar threw you in the brig the second he heard about the mutiny" Rocket unhelpfully chimes in to get the ball rolling, furry little bastard has the nerve to sound like it's a comment on the weather and not the nail in a coffin, who's coffin is yet to be seen but Kraglin knows it's going to be the death of something.  
"Which one a' us is tellin him asshole" Kraglin makes to half heartedly kick Rocket but Rocket dodges and hops up on a supply crate next to Yondu who raises his hand to stop any more squabbling.

To his credit, Yondu is quiet the entire time they talk, Kraglin divulging as little as he thinks he can get away with and Rocket filling in the blanks where he can from what he's managed to dig up in his week of snooping after he heard some of Stakar's crew talking about "Yondu's traitor" and putting two and two together in key areas until the crescendo of the pie and confrontation Yondu walked in on, every tidbit he adds makes Kraglin twitch like he'd knife the little dumpster squirrel if possible.  
Eventually it all comes out.  
After Rocket called Stakar to help the man obviously had questions and Peter not-the-brightest-crayon-in-the-box Quill hadn't thought anything of telling the Admiral of the Ravager fleet, Yondu's unofficial adoptive Father, that it all started with a mutiny so Yondu had been hurt before the Ego fight and subsequent suit-less flight into the stars, which obviously didn't help going into a battle against a planet already hurt.  
When Kraglin's part in the mutiny had been reviled, because Kraglin knew better than to lie to a truth seer, he'd been asked to stay behind then promptly thrown into the brig, after a thorough beat down of course, to await Yondu's awakening, and if Yondu didn't wake up, well that wouldn't have bode well and left it at that.

Aleta was the one to let Kraglin out once Yondu was awake despite protests, she was always the voice of reason, Yondu was old enough and mature (debatable) enough to make his own decisions and if he wanted to see Kraglin then so be it.  
This was followed by months of torture behind Yondu and the Guardians back, getting jumped by other Ravagers, put down, called names, shoved into airlocks and taunted about being put where he belonged, fed the burnt bits and molded food unfit to serve crew or like the hand pie, rat sandwiches and piss soup when they could get away with it.  
Stakar had made it clear nothing was going to be done about any of it, as far as he was concerned Kraglin should have went out the airlock with his friends or been run through with the arrow along with the other turn coats.

Kraglin didn't make a fuss about any of it because he'd been swallowed by guilt and depression anyway, not that he put it in so many words, he felt like he deserved it.  
Yondu knew exactly how that was, he remembers sitting in his own brig with Rocket resigned to his fate because he didn't think he deserved any better, only there wasn't a professional asshole to boot Kraglin in the ass the way Rocket had Yondu with everyone so preoccupied with him nearly dying and all.  
Kraglin insisted it wasn't a big deal, the ships were fixed, or would be soon in the Milano's case and then they could work on rebuilding a crew or tag along with Peter and it wouldn't really be for much longer he had to deal with it directly.  
Same old-same old, Stakar had never liked Kraglin, not since he got picked up as an unwanted favor to an old friend, he always did turn a blind eye when it came to Kraglin's health or happiness.

Rocket hops off the crate and heads for the door when Yondu finally speaks, "Rat.... don't go spreading none of this around... Peter and the others? They don't need to know my business", Rocket shrugs, it's a secret he can lord over Quill until it comes out on it's own, because secrets always have a way of finding the light no matter how far into the dark you try to push them, so of course he agrees.  
Yondu and Kraglin stare at each other in silence for a long time.  
"Kraglin" Yondu says, if nothing else but to have something to do other than grind his teeth "Stakar gave us a full pardon".  
"You" Kraglin says softly, "he don't want me here, ain't never have".  
"Tha's why ya on _my_ ship, I'm still a damn Captain, might not have no crew but you at tha moment but ya part of _my_ Ravager clan, we look after each other, I wanted ya dead ya would be, I wanted ya sufferin I'd be doin it" it's about as close to an 'I still love you' as has been ushered past Yondu's lips in Kraglin's direction in years, Peter wheedled one out of him while he was bed ridden but the taste of sentiment is still weird in his mouth.  
It's never been the fancy words anyway with him and Kraglin, so he clonks their foreheads together and reaches up giving the back of Kraglin's neck a firm squeeze.  
Kraglin gives him a sad smile as if he isn't sure he really believes he deserves the affection and with that Yondu leaves.

Yondu heads straight to Stakar's office.  
With every step his anger rises until he's ready to explode, he paces outside the door until he can feel his face again.  
When he opens the door he sees Aleta is there, Yondu isn't sure if that makes him feel better or worse, she's always liked Kraglin, hell she knew before even he did that the lanky bean pole was who the universe had created for him to share a life with.  
Yondu starts off trying to sound less than accusing when he asks if Stakar knows what's been going on.  
He does, of course he does, the man knows everything there is to know and nothing at the same time.  
Which is evident when the talking dissolves into shouting and the insults start hurling and both of them start saying things they shouldn't because two alpha males butting heads only ever ends in blood or tears, both when Ravagers are involved.  
Aleta tries to step in before Stakar hammers the last nail in the coffin but it's too late when he tells Yondu that Kraglin isn't good enough for him, never had been.  
"Like I weren't good nough' for ya when ya exiled me?"  
This conversation might have been a long time coming as far as Aleta's concerned because her dear ex really is a hypocrite for condemning Kraglin for hurting their baby when he's the one that broke his heart and kept him away for so long so she slips out to the hall, close enough she can keep an eye on them but give them space to air out what needs to be at the same time.  
"That was different, you broke the code" Stakar doesn't even bother to look up as he paces behind his desk.  
"I came to ya asking fer help and ya turned me away, ain't even let me tell ya why I done it"  
"You were young and greedy, you were stupid, and I should have kept you from the world longer. You weren't ready"  
"Ya tossed me out like trash, ya ain't been in my life in 30 some fuckin' years and ya think ya still know what's best fer me?" Yondu's voice starts to rise again, Stakar's treating him like a child, or a freshly freed slave that needs to be controlled and managed "Kraglin's tha one what's been there all that time. Yeah, maybe he made a mistake opening that stupid gob a' his but maybe he needed ta, at least he came back, least he ain't meant it like _you_ did"  
"Well I'm here now! I'm here to make sure you make the right choices from now on and that back stabbing gutter rat isn't one of them" Stakar's solars flare as he finally looks at Yondu, it isn't so much from anger as it is from misplaced self hate, he hates it's come to this, he hates he doesn't know how to stop it, hates the way Yondu is looking at him, hates the way his heart is breaking (again) and it's all his fault but can't admit it.  
"He's a choice is he?" Yondu smirks but it's angry and hurt "then I choose him and ya can go fuck ya self, and do it with this here damn badge" when he throws it he makes sure it hits Stakar right in the chest over the mans heart "fer years I thought this is what were important, all I wanted back, but I had me a good thing, me an' him, built us a crew, raised a half decent terran. Them 30 years? Guess they taught me I don't need **_you_** " with that Yondu stomps out without looking back.  
Stakar picks up the flame badge with a sigh.  
Aleta had told him this was going to happen if he backed Yondu into a corner and played the 'me or him' card but after Yondu's tantrum on Contraxia and Yondu's desperation for his approval, his acceptance, he thought he held the better cards.  
Stakar plops into his chair and rests his chin in one hand as he runs a thumb over the discarded flame.  
Mother always knows best.

~~~~~~End Flashback~~~~~~~

Kraglin saw the Yondu who was vulnerable, the one that fell for Egos lies just like everyone else and agreed to deal in kids because as a slave it had always been his distant fantasy that some where out there was some one who would swoop in and take him away, wanted him enough to spend that kind of money on him instead of haggling for a better price like he was a hunk of meat and not a person being bought, some one to love him the way Ego made it seem he loved his kids.  
Kraglin caught the almost un-perceivable flinch at the sound of a whip or the way he'd absently adjust the scarf around his neck when they passed a collared slave.  
He saw the Yondu who had night terrors, and drank to self medicate.  
The one who stopped him from self destruction more times than either could count and cared about him when he didn't even care about himself and he never held that weakness against him, never asked him to change who he was, or gave up.  
Kraglin chose Yondu hands down every single time he was ever given an option, and even by speaking up during the mutiny he was still choosing Yondu, Yondu over Peter.  
He chose Peter over his crew, his own life when it boiled down to it and there was only one aerorig and spacesuit .  
Yondu chose Kraglin over Stakar and the other captains.

He was important enough to throw away his flame for and he didn't want to make that for nothing by throwing away any hope Kraglin had of pulling through, not that it would actually be for _nothing_ mind you, but he'd be that much more alone.  
He can't help but wonder for a fleeting moment how things would have turned out if he had sent Kraglin packing instead of Stakar.  
Maybe Kraglin would still be alive somewhere, 'he's still alive here' the back of his mind supplies.  
Kraglin could be living it up with a new family, friends, safe and not fighting to survive.  
Maybe he could have kept Kraglin on the downlow, after all he had his own ship and no one needed to know who was on it.  
So many choices, so many outcomes to go with them.

This choice Yondu had to face now wasn't the same as any of the other times he'd been made to choose between things, this wasn't about sticking by someone when the chips were down or fighting back to back against the world together or proving how much he cared through action.

It wasn't a clear cut choice of yes or no, Kraglin or no Kraglin.  
Sure, one decision would lead to 'no Kraglin' and the other 'maybe Kraglin' but what was _right_?  
If Kraglin was suffering how selfish did he want to be at Kraglin's expense?  
Was not wanting him to _leave_ him even being selfish?


	4. Asked Myself What It's All For

 

Chapter 4 **Asked Myself What It's All For, You Know the Funny Thing About It, I Couldn't Answer**  
Song: Blue by Yoko Kanno from Cowboy Bebop

Yondu reads the number by the door for the third time just to waste the seconds then stands in silent thought.

440  
Room 440  
Hall F Room 440  
Yep, this is it, this is the room, this is where the nurse at the station told him to go to.  
440  
Room 440  
Hall F Room 440

Deep breath, reach for the door handle, push the handle down, push the door open, 'you've got this' he tells himself.

He has to psych himself up, it's weird, he's visited Kraglin when he was in a hospital or medbay plenty of times, but this time there's a veil of finality embedded in the door frame.

If it wasn't for all the tubes and wires Kraglin would look like he was sleeping.  
It gives Yondu a moment of false security.

The first thing he does after he drags the only chair over to the bedside is to take Kraglin's hand.  
What was Peter so afraid of when he wouldn't take his mother's hand?  
The answer hits him when he feels how cool the usually warm digits are.  
It's so different, it's a reminder that everything is different right now, is going to _stay_ different.  
He can see why Peter has issues, from a child's point of view it must have been petrifying, it's unnerving and he's a grown ass adult and a Ravager to boot.

Yondu wonders if this is how Peter felt sitting next to his unconscious body when he'd tried to die for him.

A gentle breeze caught the long white gossamer curtains hanging over the rooms only window and floated them lightly back and forth as if they were softly breathing.  
A stark contrast to the breaths the machines were pumping into Kraglin's lungs, each like a heavy exhausted sigh.  
Outside birds were chipping happily, unaware of the tragedy occurring in the little 15x15 foot room below them.  
People were laughing, arguing, talking on the street below.  
The hushed roars of ship engines could be heard in the far off distance as they took off and landed at the docking station.  
The sounds of life.

Life.  
Something Kraglin was slipping from.

If the Kree scientists hadn't damaged his tear ducts to keep him from crying as a child Yondu figures he'd look like one of those grieving widows on the soap operas the boys used to insist played in the rec room by coincidence, the one with a flood of tears rolling down their face as the camera slowly pans in.  
He subconsciously squeezed Kraglin's cold hand just a smidgen tighter.  
Maybe if he could hold his hand tight enough he could keep him from teetering over the edge.  
If he could leech enough heat from his into Kraglin's maybe he'd feel it and wake up or at the very least know someone was there with him where ever he was in the coma fog.

He doesn't now what to do.  
The longer he sits the more his mind wanders to places he doesn't want it to go.  
He needs a distraction or a stars damned leash for the thing.  
He doesn't know enough about medicine and the equipment to know exactly what the machines are saying, they look stable to him and for a minute he can almost pretend the doctor just didn't know his ass from a hole in the ground and maybe the one on next round will clear all this shit up and they can go home but the longer he sits and takes in Kraglin's prone form the harder it is to keep his brain saying it.

A nurse comes in every few hours to check on Kraglin and Yondu gives them the third degree.  
Who are you?  
What are you doing?  
What's that for?  
He can't feel that can he? - from the size of some of the needles he's seen them use he hopes the answer stays no.  
Are there side effects?  
What does that test?  
How's he doing now?  
One of them makes the mistake of brushing him off and almost gets a new facial piercing from the arrow.  
He can't really help it, he doesn't know what it's all for, it makes him edgier than usual.

Yondu paces the room for the millionth time between checks before he looks around for something to take his mind off everything.  
There aren't any magazines in the room like in the waiting areas, not that he could focus enough to read.  
There's a little TV on the wall across from the bed and if nothing else maybe he can turn it on for background noise.  
To drown out the beeps and groans of everything keeping Kraglin alive.  
All the wrong noises.

Yondu picks up the remote attached to the edge of the bed and flicks the TV on.  
There's really nothing good on as he flips through channels fast enough that he can almost hear Kraglin's eyes roll.  
'Ya goin so fast how ya even tell wha's on?'

"Yeah, Yeah" Yondu says to the silence as he adjusts the head of the bed so Kraglin is in a more upright position before he plops down on the edge of the bed himself and finally stops on a trivia show.  
He ever so gently starts sliding Kraglin over on the bed a little at a time until he can sit next to him, swings his feet up and then drapes an arm around Kraglin.  
It's almost like normal.  
If Kraglin normally watched these types of shows quietly that is but 10 minutes in and he was usually giving every answer before the host even finished the question.  
People just assumed being a Ravager that Kraglin wasn't the brightest star in the sky. and true sometimes he was about as smart as the backside of an Orloni - like the time he couldn't find the datapad in his hand when using it as a light to look behind the desk for said datapad but Kraglin knew an awful lot about an awful lot of things and Quill once said Terrans had a saying about smart people, 'even Einstein couldn't tie his shoes', Yondu didn't know who that was (or cared) but from the sounds of it he was some kind of super nerd just like Kraglin could be and that was part of his appeal.  
Yondu's stomach tenses up some time during the second round of the game.  
He plays along as well as he can but it's not the same, Kraglin knows all the answers, knew, a tiny voice corrects him, knows another re-corrects.  
"It's black" Yondu shouts a second after the contestant answers green, "damn everyone know's they's ain't white all ov'a, ya know they's black" he hugs Kraglin a little closer to his side.  
He only knows that because of Kraglin.

Maybe this kind of show isn't a good distraction after all.

Yondu flips channels until he comes up on the local news station and turns it down to just be comfortable white noise level.  
He closes his eyes and rolls onto his side to face Kraglin, wraps himself around him the best he can without dislodging any wires or tubes and takes deep breaths until his stomach doesn't feel like teaching Quill how to fly for the first time.  
  
Maybe he can fall asleep.  
Maybe if he can sleep he won't wake up.  
Maybe if he wakes up this will be a dream.

Yondu isn't sure how long he's been asleep when he opens his eyes next but Rocket is sitting in the chair by the bed reading Kraglin's medical chart on his holopad.  
He doesn't have to ask how Rocket got it on there or what he thinks because judging by the look on his furry little face it's as bad as everyone else has told him.  
"Where's Twig?" he asks instead as he looks around the room without actually moving anything but his eyes.  
Rocket flickers his eyes to Yondu for a second.  
"Allergies, spores, no plant life in ICU, whole spiel from the nurse, health hazard or something"  
"And you ain't?"  
"Shower more often than you, Blue" Rocket turns around and starts checking all the equipment.  
Yondu gives an amused snort before burying his face into Kraglin's shoulder blade.  
It's quiet except the occasional concerned noise from Rocket as he continues to asses everything himself for the third time since he's got here, figured Yondu needed the sleep more than an announcement he was there.  
Yondu knows you don't spend as much time around medical equipment as Rocket has without knowing as much as someone with a degree, even if you're just on the other end of it.

Rocket lets him go back to sleep.

Rocket's been here long enough he gets the feeling the nurses will be eternally grateful when they come around again to see Yondu still sleeping and him still here.  
They can poke a head in and get a thumbs up rather than deal with Yondu while trying to check what hasn't changed.  
Stars forbid they wake him up and get caught in the middle of it, Rocket knows Yondu only trusts people about as far as he can throw them.  
Lucky for him he's small and not very heavy.

Next time Yondu wakes up it's to blaring alarms and flashing lights.  
Rocket's at his side of the bed tapping his hip and telling him to get up and out of the way.  
A doctor and several nurses rush in with even more equipment and before he can ask what's going on him and Rocket are getting shoved out into the hall and the door's closed behind them.  
"Did... did I unplug something in my sleep?" Yondu asks in almost a whisper as they stand in the silence of the hall.  
'No and it wouldn't matter anyway' Rocket thinks, Kraglin crashed all on his own and if he's being honest he's surprised it took this long.  
Rocket grooms the fur on his arms with his claws while looking down the hallway in the opposite direction of Yondu.

It takes a few hours but eventually they're let back in.  
Yondu doesn't over look the bloody glove half stuck out of the bio-trash by the lid or that Kraglin has a different gown on.  
His boots are cement, his legs are jelly, some how though he manages to get back to the bedside where the doctor is waiting to brief them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been longer between this chapter and the last and it'll be a little bit until the next chapter comes out too, my darling little hedgehog Dr. Hedgington Pricklesteen passed away yesterday and even though he was around 95 in human years and had a good life (spoiled out the ass) it's still devastating, I only have a rough outline for the next chapter and I'm just not feeling like working on it right now :(  
> Don't worry though it'll be worth the wait, hopefully.  
> 


	5. Just Put Me Inside You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \--------WARNING-------Updated Tags------  
> Passive Suicidal Ideation in this chapter!  
> Yondu gives it a thought, they talk about it, that's as far as it goes, but mentions and the idea can be a trigger for a lot of people so please be aware that's a significant part of this chapter.

 

 

Chapter 5 **Just Put Me Inside You, I Would Never Ever Leave**  
Song: Flames by Vast

Kraglin is stable again, for now, but he's going to crash again.  
That's not a matter of opinion it's just a fact, it's just a matter of time and there's no real time frame he can give.  
It might happen again while they stand here before he can finish talking or it might be a few days, a week or two at most, but it _will_ happen again.  
He goes over what's wrong, what's gotten worse, what the limited options are.  
Rocket softly snorts once in awhile when he thinks the doctor is dangling false hope by fluffing the odds for Yondu's sake or the hospitals pockets, he can't be sure which.  
The doctor glares at him each time.  
When he does ask a question or lob a borderline accusation at the doctor he answers him as if he has no place speaking, and yeah, Rocket kind of gets it, after all he's nothing more than Kraglin's friend and he might be able to sway Yondu to some degree but ultimately nothing is his decision to make.  
It should be Yondu asking and snorting through this conversation but he's been quiet the whole time the doctor talks, so quiet that Rocket has to turn to look every so often just to be sure he's still standing there.  
The doctor finishes up by asking Yondu if he wants them to try and bring Kraglin back when it happens again.

"Ya said somethin' bout his organs?" Yondu finally says as he fidgets with a button on his coat sleeve and stares at nothing im particular in the distance, it's not so much a question as it is a fishing expedition and everyone in the room sees right through it.  
Rocket raises an eyebrow to Yondu but Yondu isn't looking at him to notice.  
The doctor takes the bait though, bites that lure hard and makes sure there's no doubt he's on the line as an unsettling grin unfurls on his face and he claps his hands in front of him like someone who's just been sat at a buffet of all their favorites and told it was free.  
This time when the doctor talks he sounds almost chipper and doesn't look at Rocket at all.

"Yes, his organs are failing but as you know, organs can be replaced" he smiles enough to show off a serrated fang, it makes Rocket shudder, **hard** , "all of them if need be."  
There's something primal in that smile, something vicious and borderline sadistic to it.  
It reminds Rocket of some of the Half World doctors who started surgeries before their patients were fully out because they were 'just animals', the ones who took just a tad too much pleasure in the tests that hurt.  
He has to will his stomach back down into his abdomen where it belongs.  
His eyes dart to Yondu, there's a silent scream in them because Yondu should know that kind of smile too but Yondu is still looking past the doctor and Rocket can't be sure Yondu sees anything.  
"If I had viable organs I could transplant them, mind you it would take a good many risky surgeries to replace those needed. We can't be sure what side effects he might suffer but he'd live."

The way he says live is off, the way an animal would probably live if you took it from the wild plucked out all it's feathers or shaved it's fur, mangled it's limbs beyond repair and kept it in a tiny cage with minimal interaction to anything but food and water, sure it's living but it probably would prefer not to be.  
Rocket struggles sometimes with if it was worth it to make it through all the experiments.  
When his natural bones ache, when an enhancement malfunctions, when the nightmares last for weeks.

"The wait list is very long though and I doubt he'll make it long enough to get all I'd require..." the doctor trails off almost wistfully before clearing his throat and continuing "At any rate Mr. Udonta I will leave you alone to decide what you'd like us to do when this happens again" he pats Yondu's shoulder on his way past.  
If Rocket didn't know any better he would say it was a silent suggestion of 'you're a Ravager I'm sure you can get me organs to play with' instead of anything resembling a gesture of sympathy for the situation.

Yondu stands at Kraglin's bedside running his fingers along Kraglin's arm before taking his hand in his.  
There's a look in his eyes that tells Rocket he's totally forgotten he's in the room so he just watches him.  
Yondu looks lost in thought, brow furrowed and jaw clenched, as he blindly sits down, never letting go of Kraglin's hand or taking his eyes off his pale face.  
Rocket twitches the tip of his tail against his toes as he stands on the other side of the bed, his ears curled back just enough to almost be noticeable if you knew what to look for and waits for the common outburst Yondu is clearly working up.  
The nerve of that doctor to want to use Kraglin as a lab rat.  
There are hospitals in the galaxy where rich old farts can walk in and have an organ swapped out like they were getting a facial, but this place sure as hell ain't one of them and even those places refuse to puzzle piece too many organs in too soon after one another.  
How dare he dress cruelty up like hope and dangle it around when the truth is glaring them down.

Yondu squeezes Kraglin's hand hard enough he'd bitch up a blue streak about never being able to use it again if he was conscious enough to voice it then he growls like someone just told him Quill took off in his ship for a teenage joyride and lets go as he leans back and folds his arms over his chest, tipping his head back to inspect the ceiling.  
He's quiet long enough Rocket is just about to break the awkward silence when Yondu jumps up quick enough to knock the chair he's sitting in over.  
He whips around, coat tails flapping as he spins, and kicks the chair to bounce off the wall near the head of the bed just missing the IV pole and stalks to the window.  
Yondu leans forward and braces himself against the glass with his hands, he's quiet and Rocket can't see his face in the reflection to tell if he should approach or not but he does it anyway, slowly.  
He gets to Yondu's side and just stares out the window in comradery with him.

"I could do it, ya know" Yondu softly breaks the silence and Rocket looks at him with his peripheral vision.  
There's a minute or two of silence before Yondu continues.  
"Go down there, blow mah brains out in the ER or the OR or wherever" his voice is unnervingly calm.  
Rocket turns his head with breakneck speed, something close to an aghast look on his face.  
Well....  
That's certainly not what he was expecting to hear.

Yondu lets a bitter chuckle pass his lips and he turns around to face the bed and half lean-half sit on the window sill.  
"Don't spose' he'd ever forgive me though I went and did it" the smile falters and Yondu makes a face like he's tasted something sour before it returns a little sadder "bet I could run tha arrow through, be quick and clean."  
"Thought you controlled that with your heart" Rocket makes it sound like a blase comment but they both know what he's really trying to get at.  
Yondu drags his eyes slow from Kraglin's direction to Rocket and once they're locked to his gives a crooked grin "oh it'd go all right."  
His eyes go back to the bed.  
His real heart is there.  
To save him it would.

Rocket's ears droop a smidgen forward as Yondu continues.  
"Demand they give mah organs to Krags, we're compatible ya know, not everything he's needin' but enough, BAM, scare some nurses shitless, fresh new set'a help on the slab."  
"Quill'd never forgive you, ya know that right?" Rocket feels more than a little queasy at the idea Yondu could actually do it and there's not a damn thing he could do to stop it, he's fast but not faster than a whistle.  
Yondu gives a knowing snort as they both stare ahead "or you?"  
Rocket just shrugs his shoulders is faux innocence.  
"Neither would he" Yondu gives the first genuine smile Rocket's seen since they've been here "curse my name till the stars all fade. Hell stubborn as he is some times wouldn't put it past 'im to reject 'em just so he can punch me for it."  
"No one appreciates good help these days."  
Rocket isn't sure Yondu doesn't mean to cuff him for his weak attempt at humor so when he sees the hand coming toward him he flinches just the tiniest bit, probably wouldn't blame him if he did.  
Yondu buries his fingers into the fur on Rockets head and works them back and forth in something between a pet and a scratch instead.  
Rocket leans into it, as much as he hates being petted like an animal it's Yondu doing it and he knows he needs this right now.  
He lets it slid in the silence that's enveloped the room until there's concern Yondu is rubbing a bald spot.

"When's the last time you ate Blue?"  
No reply just a grunt.  
"Seriously, if you starve yourself to death he'll kick your ass when he gets there too"  
He gets a set of knuckles rapped to his skull instead of pets for that one but it's not the brain damaging smack Quill gets for smarting off so Rocket knows he's only at the sign announcing thin ice ahead.  
He knows he doesn't want to skate on past but...  
"He'd want you to take care of yourself, not just..."

Wallow?  
Wring your hands and pine over him?  
Give yourself an ulcer?  
Self-absorb into your own mind until you implode?

Yondu pushes off the windowsill and stalks to the bed without giving Rocket so much as a glance.  
He leans over the bed to whisper in Kraglin's ear.  
"If you tank out again while I'm gone I'm never leaving this room again" he squeezes Kraglins shoulders for emphasis "Ya hear me?"  
Rocket pretends not to hear him as makes his way to the door to wait.  
Yondu lingers a minute of two more, his forehead gently pressed to Kraglin's before studying the machines and Kraglin as a whole, before following Rocket out.

Yondu's ship is parked just outside the hospital still, taking up three spaces and bending the handicap sign.  
Really it's big enough someone should have towed it to the docks regardless of park job, the spaces are meant for day flyers and compact ships.  
Other than Rocket's there's only about ten in the lot with it and four coming or going with the valet.  
They both pretend to not notice the other checking them out to see if any of them are Quill's yet.

A shower and food.  
He can be back to the hospital in an hour if he just nukes something from the fridge, quicker if he eats whatever it is cold.  
There's a protest of a gurgle, he might not want to think about eating but apparently his stomach hadn't gotten the note about there being more important things to worry about than food.  
He feels guilty even admitting he's hungry.

When the ramp drops the first thing he notices is it's clean.  
For a second he's almost mad about it.  
Funny thing to be mad over, that your mates dried pool of blood isn't waiting there to greet you.  
Rocket must notice the slight twinge on his face because he starts grooming one arm and over explaining.  
Groot wanted to help since he couldn't come in, figured the least he could do was clean up, didn't want to step on toes, he just got rid of the blood and straightened up from the panic, he almost sounds apologetic as he pre-defends anything Groot might have done on board.

He doesn't need to.  
Groot has always been precious little Twig to Yondu, even now that he's not a Twig any more or even a sapling.  
There's a little pang at the thought of Groot cleaning up 'uncle' Kraglin's blood all alone.  
Uncle, not Grandpa like Yondu.  
Yondu thinks about how at first it bothered Kraglin that he wasn't Grandpa too, made him feel a little put out or that their relationship wasn't valued for what it was to the others.  
One night when Groot came to their room to get stories and tell them each goodnight Kraglin had chuckled at 'uncle' and 'Grandpa' instead of his usual huff or eye roll.  
When Groot left Yondu asked Kraglin about it.  
"Don't wanna be Grandpa anymore."  
"Why not?" Yondu had asked as he rolled over to face away from Kraglin.  
Kraglin leaned over Yondu with that big goofy grin of his and said "would make me sound old, an' I ain't old."  
"An' I am?" Yondu asked affronted as he took Kraglin's hand to make him wrap his arm around him just above his hip.  
"Ya mah favorite antique" Kraglin replied as he spooned in close behind him.  
"Har har my old ass'll save ya a place on the big ship in the sky when I get there."

The memory is broken with "I am Groot" as Groot enters to greet them.  
Yondu smiles, it's a bit bitter but there's just an ounce of sugar in it from the nostalgia.  
Rocket excuses himself to go make them food.  
Groot doesn't say anything else and neither does Yondu.

When Groot hugs Yondu, for a second, it's tight enough to momentarily hold some of the pieces together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for such a long hiatus, I've been so busy at work!   
> Next chapter is almost done so hopefully it won't take as long to come out.  
> I love you all for sticking around!!!


	6. Some Days I'm Built of Metal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally the scene I posted forever ago on my Tumblr has arrived!

 

Chapter 6  **Some Days I'm Built of Metal, I Can't Be Broken, But Not When I'm With You**  
Song: Do You Feel It? by Chaos Chaos

Peter makes it in record time.  
Peter also waits at the end of the hall that Kraglin's room is on for a record time.  
He wants to rush down.  
Should rush down.  
Can't rush down.

This is an all too familiar scene in his life and even though his track record for loved ones living past the un-livable is pretty good he knows there's only so many times one can cheat fate.  
Once he walks in there it's going to be real.

After a nurse has asked him if he's lost or needs help for the fifth time he supposes it's now or never.

He can hear Rocket talking but can't make out what he's saying as he gets closer.  
There's a faint sob, choked, restrained, from Yondu who's running his hands over his face like he might be able to scrub his eyes off it.  
Peter quietly stood in the doorway watching as the universe's toughest asshole cracked.  
He'd never seen Yondu like this before, not over anything.  
Peter then turned on his heel and strode down the corridor with every intent of pretending he'd never been there, but Rocket's acute hearing and sense of smell had given him away.  
Peter got just outside the hospital doors before an angry voice stopped him.

"What the hell Quill?" Rocket shouted at his retreating back.  
Peter slowly turned around to face him, hands clenching into fists by his side.  
"What? You want me to go in there and watch a man who's never cried in his life do it over someone who'll never even have a chance to appreciate it? Like it will matter, change him and bring us closer together?!"  
Peter was, as Rocket liked to put it, stuck in his own ass.  
"Oh wow he cares about someone" Peter sarcastically ground out as he waved his hands on either side of his face.  
Rocket snarled at him.  
"He cared about **_you_** too, enough to try and give his life for, enough to keep reaching out to us. If you weren't such a self centered asshole you'd see **_him_** for once. Boo hoo my name's Peter Quill and I got abducted by a monster who turned out not to be the worst parent in the universe, but it's not good enough because he still hasn't played catch with me or rocked me to fricken sleep while I suck my thumb, booooo hooooo" Rocket was busy mimicking rubbing tears away when suddenly Peter was right in front of him.  
"Yeah, he almost died for me! He almost died and he supposedly cared and he didn't shed a single tear then, why is it different now? Why do I have to watch him get all sentimental over losing someone else and pretend I understand?!" Peter's voice was loud and raw with all the emotions fighting to claim victory in his tone.  
"It's not about you!" Rocket screamed back pointing a Quill, then just as quickly as he had gotten angry at the sound of Peter walking away earlier instead of coming into the room the anger vanished.  
Rocket's whiskers drooped, his ears went flat down forward against his head and the end of his tail lazily curled around his ankle as images of of his friends from Half World flashed before him, some of them mangled as they were tossed in a bin, some twitching erratically before complete stillness on the exam table, empty cages, the sight of Groot a pile of kindling on Xandar, ashes - so many ashes...  
"It's not about you," he repeated in a whisper "it's easy to die for someone you care about, the hard thing is living on without them" and with that he slowly plodded back toward the hospital and disappeared through the doors leaving Quill to contemplate his next move.

Peter stands gob-struck for a moment or two before getting angry again and stomping back to his ship.

The nerve of Rocket acting like he didn't know what it was like to lose someone!  
He knew better than anyone, he lost his Mother, he almost lost Yondu and Gamora, he knew about loss!  
'Yondu's the one that should be feeling, whatever _this_ is' Quill thought, but whatever _this_ is he had a sneaking suspicion was guilt.  
Maybe he was mad Yondu hadn't burst into tears as he told him he was his boy like in the movies when father and son finally express their feelings.  
Maybe he figured Yondu should have kissed his forehead after waking up from the void exposure in a show of every thing is okay like his Mom used to when she found him upset.  
Sure Yondu had been pretty good about trying to do some of it right while he recovered and reached out a few times since but it wasn't what Peter had envisioned.  
It wasn't _every_ holiday gathered around as one big happy after school special family.  
There were more 'hey you didn't fuck that up too bad' than there were 'good job, son' or better yet 'I'm proud of you Pete' that had been uttered from the man.  
It wasn't what it _should_ be between Father and son but... but it was better than it ever had been.  
Yondu had been _trying_ and maybe if it was him in there Yondu _would_ be just as devastated.  
Peter had come close to death a couple times now and Yondu wasn't outwardly distraught but then again he got the feeling all this was different than just a polite hand shake with Death like Peter had experienced for himself.

This wasn't about him.  
Rocket was right.  
As much as he hated to admit defeat to Rocket about anything.  
It wasn't about him and Yondu or even Yondu and Kraglin, this was just about Kraglin.  
He should go in for Kraglin's sake if nothing else, the man was practically a brother to him while he grew up on the ship.  
Kraglin didn't have nearly as many emotional hang-ups and constipation as Yondu.  
He would appreciate Peter fawning over him far more than near death Yondu did.  
Peter knew he'd regret it if he left now just like he regretted not taking his Moms hand.  
He wouldn't fail Kraglin like he had her.

Rocket hears the footsteps echo down the hallway, he can smell Quill before he sees him and for once appreciates the animal senses.  
Peter's almost to the door when he hears Rocket tell Yondu he's gotta take a leak and then the creak of a bed, the sound of paws hitting tile floor and getting closer.  
Peter is standing just outside the door, he doesn't want to give Rocket the win, or more accurately see the smug satisfaction in his furry mug, but there's no where to go and he knows he has to go in.  
Rocket doesn't say anything, just looks up at him with somber eyes and nods on his way past, no snide remarks or smirk, it's telling of the mood he's about to walk in on and Peter fidgets a minute more in place.

When Peter turns the corner into the room any thoughts of making a joke to break the ice and try to cheer up the atmosphere in it sink into the pit of his stomach.  
Yondu is sitting in a simple wooden chair that's along side the bed, his face turned to the window so Peter can't see his expression as the sounds of medical equipment bleep and bing a steady tune.

Peter has to swallow, hard, before he takes a step in because for a moment it's his Mom in the bed and not Kraglin.  
It's his Grandpa by the bed and not Yondu.  
He has to push it back and focus on the sound of a passing bird and not the sterile beeps.  
The smell of flowers someone has in the next room instead of the rubbing alcohol and chemicals.  
The picture on the wall of a cat instead of the room as a whole.  
When the tremble in his chest stops he clears his throat and softly calls Yondu's name.  
Yondu turns with a smile but it's distant and sad, a million miles from reaching his eyes.

"Hey son" he says as he moves to sit on the edge of Kraglin's bed, a silent invite for him to sit in the only chair and spend time.  
Peter stands behind Yondu instead, he rests one hand on his shoulder and the other on Yondu's implant.  
Yondu doesn't bitch for once, instead he leans back against Peter and places his hand over the one on his shoulder.  
"How are you holding up?" Peter figures he'll get a snarky reply or maybe his ears boxed for asking stupid questions, which is fine because it'd be the Yondu thing to do.  
Instead Yondu sighs and there's a tremble in his voice Peter's only heard once or twice in his lifetime when he answers.  
"Ain't so good Pete... I... I don't know what to do... he crashes, shows a bit a' improvement, stable like... then... I don't know what to do..."  
Peter doesn't know what to do either, doesn't know what to say.  
He's never had a problem with words before, sure he might not say the best thing or the smartest or even anything anyone outside of Terra would understand some times but he always had _something_ to say.

Yondu had always been the strong one, never needed support as far as Peter was concerned, he always knew what to do.  
When Peter was young Yondu always knew what to do when things went south, be it on the ship, a mission, with one of Peter's screwed up relationships, anything.  
Yondu just seemed to have an instinctual knowledge of what was best at the time when Peter hadn't a clue.  
His Mom had been like that, always a support, an unspoken pillow to land on.  
A parent's job is to be there for their child but now the roles were reversed and he didn't know what to do.  
A favorite story and some chicken soup or an easy heist and shooting practice wouldn't help anything about this.

Peter replaces the hand on the implant with his forehead.  
When he sighs his breath leaves condensation on it.  
It's slightly cool and he can feel the ever so delicate hum of the gears and inner workings.  
Peter debates asking how many door frames he whacked the prototype on or shirts he caught on it before he went back to the flatter version.  
Instead he decides to test this new sad leeway he's getting and go for hugging Yondu as good as he can from his current position.  
He gets both arms around Yondu's chest and about 45 seconds of squeezing in before Yondu smacks his hands and flaps him off.  
That's a little more Yondu of Yondu.

Yondu pulls out a very tattered piece of cloth to blow his nose on.  
Peter hands him a clean tissue from the side table "don't use that wipe your eyes, that's how you get pink eye."  
Yondu looks at the tissue like he's not sure Peter is retarded or trying to be funny for a minute before he breaks into a classic Yondu smile, "hate to break it to ya kiddo but they's already kinda pink."  
Peter can't help but smile back.  
Yondu shakes his head and pushes it back to Peter.  
"You Terrans leak somethin' fierce, ya better hang on to it"  
"Says you, your species doesn't?" Peter means it to be offhanded, or a joke, but he can't help but wonder now that he's this close to Yondu and can see despite early sobs the man's cheeks look dry.  
"Naw, they do, I'm just special..." Yondu chews the inside of his cheek a second "Ya old enough to know the Universe is a bitch, know I was a slave... me an Rocket got a lot in common wit' it" he waves his hand in a rolling circle in front of him rather than spell it out.  
Peter never thought about experiments on slaves until now, he didn't know why, but he supposed as a child imagining being a slave was bad enough for his already traumatized newly spacer brain so he'd just left it at that.  
Yondu didn't appear to be any worse for the ware from it aside from his missing crest which Peter didn't even know about until much later and then it was just a story he'd chocked up to Yondu being way past plastered after a heist against some Upper Kree family and not the real story behind it, after all Yondu had told him countless ways he'd lost it since then .  
Peter felt gutted.  
Here he'd been holding it against Yondu that he didn't care because he didn't show it in the ways Peter thought were right and now he's got middle pieces to go with all the edges of the puzzle he'd figured out himself or weedled out of Kraglin over the years.  
Kraglin.  
Kraglin would know exactly what Yondu was thinking right now to be able to steer the conversation where it needed to go.

Peter sits in the chair and fidgets until Yondu gives him a Ravager-gentle love tap to the ankle with his heavy booted foot.  
He wants to be helpful, not annoying, but he doesn't know what to do or say.  
"This sucks" he blurts it so fast and loud he can't help himself.  
Much to his surprise Yondu starts laughing, "that's your observation of this situation?" he chuckles, clearly amused at Peter's frustration over words.  
Peter blushes but it's the normalcy that's helping Yondu right now, it's a momentary relief from the stress and heartache even if the cold hand in Yondu's is a stark reminder.

They make small talk for awhile, it's nice, but it's saddening that it's taken a tragedy and nothing else to do to just sit and talk like this.  
Kraglin's oxygen levels dip low and there's a several bleeps from the monitor.  
For a second Yondu feels guilty, if Kraglin can hear them where ever he is in there does he think they aren't missing him, that life is just going on without him like he never mattered, he has Peter and doesn't need him?  
Maybe if Kraglin can hear them he thinks he can tap out because he knows things will be okay with Peter there for him?  
Yondu digs his nails into Kraglin's palm, like hell he's getting off that easy, this isn't the same comfort.  
Peter isn't a replacement.  
All the friends in the galaxy he has isn't comparable to what he has with Kraglin.  
Yeah Peter is there, but it's _different_.  
Peter, Rocket, the rest of the Guardians, they can wash his clothes, help him with the ship, make him coffee, feed him, spend time with him, be there at night to talk to when the nightmares come, they can do literally everything Kraglin does, save having sex, well maybe a couple of them he'd do if he was super wasted out of his mind, like copious amounts of alcohol by even Ravager standards -wait getting off track- it's just _different_.  
They aren't any less meaningful but it's just... it's just...

"Yondu" Peter's standing by him again with his hand on his shoulder, he looks worried "it's okay" he says softly, like the words might break him apart.  
Yondu hadn't even realized he'd furrowed his brow deep enough to threaten a permanent forehead crease, or that he'd been holding his breath from the first beep until now until it feels like liquid fire to inhale again.  
Rocket is standing by Peter too, how long did the beeping last?  
It felt like just seconds but apparently not, there's no nurse and he's still sitting on the bed with Kraglin's hand in his so that's a good sign he's not totally losing his mind.  
"He's okay, Blue" Rocket taps a claw against Yondu's thigh, a thigh that's muscles are so tight it's like a bow string, all of his muscles are tight Yondu realizes as they start to loosen little by little.  
Yondu slowly nods and looks back from them to Kraglin, just to be sure for himself.

Deep breaths.  
Push it away.  
Burry it.  
Deal with it later.  
Everything is okay right now.  
Weakness doesn't get you anywhere.  
Be strong.  
Be brave.  
Even when you don't really feel it.  
One more deep breath.

Oh Gods it's not okay.  
You can't deal with it later.  
There's not much later left.  
We can't go on like this!  
I'm lost...  
I don't know what to do.  
Right, wrong?  
Black, white?  
Gray?  
Deep breaths.  
Keep breathing, just keep breathing.

"I can't..." there's so many words and ways to finish that sentence that they all get stuck half way up Yondu's throat and none of them can decide which one should be first out.  
"We'll figure it out."  
He's not sure which one of them said it, he can't see their faces, words muffled.  
World muffled.  
They're both hugging him with no intention of letting go any time soon.  
He doesn't mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh look 6 of 9 now, there's an end in sight!  
> I was tempted to put 'conceal, don't feel' or 'just keep swimming, swimming, swimming' in Yondu's internal monolog at the end there  
> Was also tempted to make Yondu recreate the baked bean mental breakdown scene from the movie Tommy but figured no one would know what the hell drug I was on lol


	7. Carry That Weight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good lord it's been 3 months since I updated this story.  
> There's a bit of God-bashing in this chapter but I tried to balance it out with a little philosophy so I wouldn't be shitting all over anyone's religion/beliefs.  
> In my opinion this is probably the heaviest chapter of the whole story.

Chapter 7   **Boy, You're Gonna Carry That Weight A Long Time**  
Song: Golden Slumbers/Carry That Weight by The Bee Gees

Yondu feels every second of his age.  
Age is supposed to come with wisdom.  
He doesn't feel very sagely though.  
If he was as wise as he is old he figures he should know what to do right now.  
All he can think to do is shut his eyes a little tighter and try to block the sound of the beeps, the sound of Rocket and Peter talking like he can't hear them, the sound of that horrible mechanical breathing.  
He tries to focus on the feel of Kraglin's hand in his but it just doesn't feel right, it's not too cold, it's not too hot, it's not clammy or dry, it's just... too normal.  
Every once in awhile it twitches just a miniscule amount but the doctor explained that, it's just naturally occurring muscle spasms due to medications and the body shutting down.  
He's given up hope by now that it's anything else.  
The coffee and toast he had for breakfast this morning, or maybe it was yesterday, could have been the day before yesterday, he's lost track of how long they've been here, it's been a blur and an eternity all at once, either way it staled in his stomach and it's threatening to make a reappearance once his heart realizes his brain has sided with the doctor with that thought.  
He's not giving up on Kraglin.  
He's not.  
He's just giving up on being disappointed each time he feels that tiny movement.  
It hurts less if he tells himself that's why his brain is doing what it's doing.

Yondu sighs heavily and blows his fake sleeping cover about the time the doctor pokes his head in to see if a decision has been made and Peter suggests calling Gamora and the others, **again** , to see what they think of the situation.  
Like the 'situation' has changed.  
Like they'll say something he hasn't heard before.  
Like they have a place telling him what to do for _his_ husband.  
Too concerned for his well being and what's best for him when he's not the one in the hospital bed.  
Bunch of bleeding hearts, that's what they are.  
It's hard enough trying to stomach what's going on without a bunch of people camping out in his ass trying to baby him while they simultaneously try to walk on egg shells.  
He knows they mean well.

"Gonna carry that weight a long time" Yondu quietly says aloud to the void before he opens his eyes to face reality, in all its meanings.

He can see Peter and Rocket both have both thought out their positions and are eager to share.  
From the looks of it they're on opposite sides and ready to debate, typical.  
It's comforting and annoying at the same time, some things never change but he doesn't need a couple emotional terrorists trying to pull him in different directions right now.  
Of course the universe never did care what he wanted.

Rocket is pessimistic.  
He's read the numbers, gone over the results, seen this before.  
The best thing Yondu can do for Kraglin is unplug him.  
Peter accuses him of trying to get rid of Kraglin, calls Rocket a horrible little dumpster squirrel void of any real morals.   
Of course Peter is taking the optimistic road.  
He'd really expect nothing less of his kid.  
Peter's always been emotionally charged no matter how much him or anyone one else tried to beat it out of him in order to protect Peter from how heartless a bitch reality can be if you expect everyone to care like you.  
Never stuck and considering he got the most dangerous woman in the galaxy to "settle down" maybe that's not such a bad thing after all.

Kraglin deserves a good death not a drawn out one.  
He deserves to die with dignity.  
If he's suffering or already gone and the machines are all that's left it doesn't do anyone any good to keep prolonging that.  
Is this what Kraglin would want?  
To keep being brought back, to be a shell, to exist without actually existing.  
Would Kraglin really be happy knowing Yondu was spending his life sitting here until there wasn't enough of Kraglin's heart left to shock back into a life of perpetual coma?  
They've consulted every doctor within a 100 planet radius.  
Rocket doesn't sugar coat his position, he knows some times poison is poison and there's no spinning it with rainbows and glitter to be more palatable.

Peter wants to check 200 planets.  
Peter wants to at least wait and get Mantis here so she can touch Kraglin, maybe she can communicate with him.  
Any hope is still hope!  
Yondu doesn't need her.  
He knows.  
He knows, and yet as right as Rocket is Peter is right too.  
What if he's giving up on Kraglin too soon?  
It _had_ been years since the subject had been brought up between them.  
Maybe starring Death in the face gave Kraglin second thoughts about his position.

Morality is a gray zone after all.  
Is it morally right to go against Kraglin's wishes to take the chance of buying more time together?  
Maybe.  
Is it morally right to follow them and essentially let him die when there might be a chance he doesn't have to?  
Maybe.  
They aren't as young as they used to be.  
Kraglin has had a longer life than most street kids ever dream of.  
Given his species and hardships Kraglin has a good 20 or 30 years left, or would have anyway before all this.  
What's 30 years or 30 minutes though?  
There will always be some thing you wanted to do you didn't get to, a regret, someone to miss.  
Life is fluid, ever flowing, and doesn't stop for anything or anyone.  
Peter's Mom has been dead for decades and he still gets sad when a new song comes out she would have loved to dance and sing with him to.  
In the grand scheme of things time is an irrelevant concept.  
Death is death.  
Eventually it's going to happen anyway.  
Doesn't mean it has to happen right now necessarily, there's a lot to think about with that.

He could let Peter go off to find one of the great treasures of the universe said to bestow immortality like he's offering.  
They took a job for an immortal once.  
It was picking up a weapon that was said to be designed specifically to kill immortals and Yondu has never been able to forget it for various reasons.  
If he dwells on the memory of it Yondu can still feel her pain and sorrow, hear her wail of agony and disappointment when it didn't do it's job.  
It was some where in the first dozen or so jobs him and Kraglin had taken when he made Captain.  
He had been horrified when she turned it on herself and secretly relieved when it hadn't worked.  
He couldn't wrap his head around why anyone with so much power, money, and eternal youth would want to do such a thing.  
It wasn't until he'd consecutively lost his favorite crew member that he realized how lonely an existence immortality must become.  
To get close to people only to have them grow old and leave you and do it all over again and again and again.  
To know you'd never get to see them again because there was no other side for you.  
He couldn't do that to Kraglin, that would be an even bigger betrayal than replacing all Kraglin's organs to make him good as new again.  
He might forgive him from the great beyond for giving up on him but it would be all of eternity and Kraglin would never forgive him for that one.

Peter's heart is in the right place, he'll give him that one, but his head is clouded with sentiment again.  
Peter offers to find one that's a multi-use.  
"Still not helpful son" Yondu tells him, kids not getting the point "we both immortal, then what? You think we want to go through all this again with you? With Rat? Our whole little rag-tag team of family we've picked up? No parent worth a damn wants to outlive their kid."  
"So we'll all use it, have a great big immortality party, no one has to die, like ever, we can all just stay together forever" Peter's voice wavers, even he knows it's a stupid idea but no kid wants to burry a brother-ish parent that was worth a damn either.  
"Gamora, Drax, Mantis, Nebula, your kids when you eventually have them, your grandkids when they have kids, theirs? Let's make the whole universe immortal, that can't have any repercussions. What about your Mom, you'd never see her again."  
Peter glares at Rocket for saying it but he's not saying it to be a dick and he knows in his heart of hearts Rocket's right.  
Death is the natural order of life.  
It sucks, it's unfair, and it's a hurt you never really get over just learn to cope with but that's the undeniable reality.

Peter seems momentarily defeated.  
He closes his eyes and bows his head.  
Yondu stuffs his free hand into his pocket and pulls out the stress ball Gamora got him when she caught him reading a book about repairing relationships with adult children and gave her two cents on the subject.  
She had said working it over to get his tension out was a better option than growling at Peter and hurting his feelings or punching him when he was being irritating.  
Kids praying, that's pretty irritating in Yondu's book right now.  
Force of habit he supposes, kid used to do it with his Mama in times of spiritual trouble he knows.  
Everyone has something they find comforting that others don't understand.  
Yondu might not find it so annoying if his life wasn't a shinning example of praying to a God and getting Anthos' balls to the face as a reward each time.  
He prayed to any diety that would listen the first few months of being in slavery.  
He prayed to any diety that would listen on the way to talk to Ego after Kraglin voiced concern about the kids they'd been dropping off.  
He prayed to any diety that would listen as he waited for the Ravager councils decision.  
He'd prayed the whole damn way here.  
Like it's going to make a difference if it's Peter asking or not, Yondu figures the universe owes him a hell of a lot more than Peter so if it's answering prayers it should have done it by now.  
Yondu isn't on speaking terms with 'God' right now.  
This little part of him wants to come right out and ask Peter where his God was when Ego was putting a tumor in Meredith's head or dying in a hospital bed of her own.  
Why is he letting little kids be sold into slavery, babies to starve in the street, mass genocide?  
Maybe God is like that immortal woman, tired of it all, given up on his creations.  
Maybe that's why people like Peter and his friends exist, created to take over an abandoned people and help as many as they can.  
They might not be able to save them all, to fix all of humanities problems but they can save a few and to those few it means the world.

Anger, depression, bargaining, denial, what were the other stages of grief that fancy lady in the pant suit the doctor made him see after their second talk of ending life support say?  
Were there 5 of them?  
Maybe it was 7.  
He's been stuck on anger a couple times now.  
She told him it was okay to be pissed.  
She said some people go through all the stages and some don't.  
Everyone has a different way of dealing with traumatic events.  
Be honest and open about what you're feeling, he doubts being open right now will help any of them deal.  
Might push Peter into the anger stage, his squished up pink little mad face is usually enough to make himself chuckle but the book said laughing at your kids expense was 'toxic parenting' and to laugh **with** not at.  
Kraglin would laugh with him.  
The last stage was acceptance wasn't it?  
That might be one of the stages he never goes through.  
According to the therapist that's the important one.

When he looks over Peter and Rocket are both starring at him gob-struck.  
Oh right, stress ball.  
Stress ball he's popped at some point while lost in thought, flour and grain it was stuffed with all over his pant leg and the floor.  
Yondu lets go of Kraglin's hand to pinch the bridge of his nose before chuckling at himself with a head shake.  
It certainly broke the tension building in the room.  
Yondu stands and brushes himself off.  
Peter offers to go get someone to clean it up or find a mop himself and Yondu nods.  
He asks Rocket to go with him to the nurses station and have the doctor paged.  
When they leave the room Yondu bends to rest his forehead on Kraglin's until he can't hear footsteps then gives it a quick kiss before sitting on the edge of the bed and resting nose to nose once more.  
"I'm sorry Krags. I hope ya can forgive me..." he trails off in a whisper against his lips.  
Forgive him for everything he's put him through, for what he's about to do.

It's time.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so glad to be done with this chapter!  
> Not going to lie, I rushed it and wrote it in like two hours just to be done with it.  
> I was starting to hate this story and everything I had written and I don't know why, hence the 3 month disappearance.  
> Two more chapters to go and they are the ones I've been most excited about working on since starting this and will come out at the same time because it's the end and the alternate!  
> Please comment and let me know how I'm doing or as always if I screwed something up or need to add tags ^_^


	8. You've Come Back to Me, In My Dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the first ending.  
> This is the ending the character death tag is for!

Chapter 8 **You've Come Back to Me, In My Dreams**  
Song: The Last Day On Earth by Kate Miller-Heidke

Yondu sits on the right hand side of the bed running his fingers over Kraglin's face as if he's trying one last time to make sure it's memorized.  
This is the last chance he's going to get.   
Peter sits in a chair on the left side of the bed holding Kraglin's hand, if he runs out of the hospital it's not likely anyone is going to abduct him and change his world so much he doesn't have time to focus on the pain too often now at his age.  
Rocket sits back by the wall at the foot of the bed out of the way.  
Kraglin is his friend and they've shared a lot together because of that but he doesn't have the extensive history with him that the other two have so he doesn't need to be as physically close right now as they do.  
Kraglin only has two hands to hold and he doesn't want to squish himself between Yondu and Kraglin to hold the other.  
Yondu is likely to pick it up at some point here anyway.

The doctor steps up behind Peter to reach over him, he hesitates long enough to make sure Yondu is absolutely ready and once he gets the nod he starts fiddling with the drip lines, with the monitors, shutting things off while the nurse helps.  
The last thing left is the heart monitor.  
Peter wobbles out something between a sob and a silent scream.  
The doctor asks if they'd like to have it turned off.  
Some need the sound to confirm, to make it real and others are haunted by the sound and don't want to think about it.  
Yondu needs the sound, Peter probably doesn't, but he sure as hell does.  
If he doesn't hear the end with his own ears he's not sure he'll be able to believe it.  
There will always be that looming 'but what if his heart didn't actually stop'.  
It's a conspiracy worthy of Kraglin's imagination of course.  
He knows there's no point in it, he's seen the evidence that it is what it is.  
The doctor nods and he joins the nurse by the door to give them as much privacy as they can while still having to be in the room to confirm exact time.  
Just in case the universe decides to cough up payment on the good karma Yondu has accumulated over the (especially more recent) years.

Kraglin takes a few breaths on his own.  
Labored.  
Guttural.  
Agonized.  
Wrong.  
They sound even worse than the mechanical breaths and those were painful enough to hear.  
Yondu takes Kraglin's hand in one of his and he gently knuckles the side of Kraglin's cheek with the other.  
"Love ya Krags" he whispers so quietly he's not quite sure he's even said it out loud.

Beep  
Beep  
Beep

Beep

Beep

  
Beep

 

Beep

 

  
Beep

 

 

A steady tone and then the nurse rushes over to turn the machine off.  
Silence.  
Agonizing silence.  
It came so quick there isn't any doubt he's done the right thing in letting Kraglin finally rest.  
The doctor calls time.  
Sounds start to rush back, Peter sniffling, people moving around in the hallway, Rocket's claws against the tile of the floor as he comes over to lean against Yondu and put a shaky hand on Kraglin's leg.  
The doctor hovers in the door way for a moment, "take all the time you need" is what he leaves them with.  
There will never be enough time,  
He doesn't want to leave him... but Kraglin isn't in there anymore.

Yondu finds solace in planning the funeral.  
It's something to focus on and keep him busy as much as it is a stark reminder.  
He can give Kraglin the send off he deserves and celebrate his life instead of letting the sorrow overwhelm him.  
It's been a few days and it comes and goes in waves now.  
Drax told him it would be like that, that it isn't really something you ever get over but it does get easier eventually.  
Don't be afraid to remember him, keep him alive in your heart and he will always be with you and one day you will be with him again.  
It's a little sappy for Yondu but it helps to be surrounded by people who have experience, that understand and don't rush to try and cheer him up or feel the need to talk just to hear themselves speak so they feel helpful.  
It's not a full Ravager funeral, they haven't been Ravagers since Yondu decided he didn't want to rebuild a crew, just wanted to try for as a calm a life as possible when your Terran and his band of family/friends are a magnet for trouble.  
Still, it was the majority of Kraglin's life so he's going to include some of the rituals they both found most meaningful.  
He's finally finished picking out what personal items of Kraglins he wants to place around his body and got them into the frilly decorated box Mantis gave him to carry them in instead of the grimy bag he dug out from under their bed with holes and stars knows what crusted to the outside.  
These past few days during the wake period some of their friends Kraglin and Yondu have made through the years have showed up to wait for the funeral.  
Everyone has been playing music Kraglin liked, videos of him (ones from security footage Rocket edited around and some Peter had taken through the years and called 'home movies'), they've been sharing stories and pictures and laughing when they can so he's used to hearing voices but he could almost swear one of them sounded like....

Stakar.

That glow-stick of a bastard is standing next to Peter with a smile on his face like he has a place being on this ship right now, or ever, as they talk.  
Yondu must growl without even knowing it because nearly everyone in the room pales and takes a step back regardless of proximity.  
Stakar at least looks a tiny bit guilty before he fakes a cough, takes exactly one step forward and asks to talk to him in private.  
Yondu doesn't want to talk to him, whistle at him maybe but not talk.  
What he does want to do is send his arrow through the Admiral of the Ravagers fucking face then turn his corpse in to what Peter always calls 'Swiss' cheese.  
Too bad Rocket misplaced it while he was showering after his admission of thoughts in the hospital awhile back.  
He knows he wouldn't outright get rid of it and he'll get it back eventually but he also knows if he whistles right now it won't come flying.  
He's eyeing the open box in his arms in front of him to see which of Kraglin's knives he wants to send flying to play darts with Stakar's torso.  
Aleta all but yanks the box from his hands while Peter and Rocket both blurt out it's their combined faults and he should hear him out.  
Rocket isn't stupid enough to get near Yondu but Peter is so he gets the wind knocked out him as a reward with a fist to the guts.  
Peter doubles over and wheezes but no one moves to help, even Gamora who rolls her eyes and turns back to the conversation she was having before Yondu came in, she'd yell at him but Peter kind of deserves it for springing it on him this way.  
Yondu stomps off.  
Stakar follows cautiously a moment later.

Yondu stands with his back to Stakar, arms crossed over his chest, teeth silently grinding together.  
"Yondu, I, there's a time and place for everything and I know you hate me, I don't blame you for that Son, but we're family and family is family even if it isn't the one you're born to but who you find along the way. I haven't been the family you needed, I saw that all too late."  
Yondu makes a noise that isn't quite a grunt but not exactly a growl, he eyes Stakar from his peripherals but that's the only acknowledgment he gets that he's not being outright ignored.  
"I know what you're thinking, that whole don't know what you got till it's gone shit and I lost you once already but that was different. I could have called you and I knew you'd pick up. This... this is... Yondu I wanted to tell you I'd be here more than anything."  
'That's why I didn't answer your calls' Yondu thinks.  
"I don't have any right to be here, I know that. I treated Kraglin like shit, I wanted better for you, I didn't see what you did and then he took you away from us."  
Yondu is almost tempted to turn around, the thought of Stakar being jealous of anyone else is a look he wants to see but he doesn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he's interested in anything he has to say.  
"I admit it, he didn't mean anything to me, but you do. I want to be here for you if you'll let me after everything that's gone so wrong."  
Yondu can hear his steps coming up behind him and he bristles, body dipping to fight or flight mode.  
Stakar sighs and places a hand on Yondu's shoulder, "I know it's just words Son, but for what little it's worth, I'm sorry".  
Sorry for you're loss.  
Sorry for pushing you away.  
Sorry I don't seem to know how to do any of it right.  
Stakar turns to leave but Yondu abruptly stops him by finally turning around and grabbing his forearm.

Shit.  
He doesn't know what to say.  
Maybe he should have just let him slink off but as much as he hates it he wants to accept his apology.  
He's lost so much.  
Maybe he can blame it on the grief, but he wants anyone willing to _stay_.  
It takes a big man to admit when they've done wrong by someone.  
Peter's always going on and on about family and sticking together and second chances, all the other bullshit Yondu choked up to being a sentimental fool.  
The older he gets, the more he's spent time with people who honestly care, the more he thinks maybe being soft isn't what he thought it was.  
Knowing Peter or Kraglin were in trouble made him fight that much harder.  
He'd seen the lengths Peter would go in order to keep Gamora safe and her for him.  
How many times did Kraglin go above and beyond for his sake?  
Sticking together certainly sounds promising.  
Maybe he could take a page from Peter's book.  
He could take it slow, take a couple bricks down at a time but keep the cement close in case he needed to put them back between them later.  
"Martinex shooting ya colors off for ya?"  
Stakar looks relieved, it's a foot in the door, a step in the right direction.  
He claps his hand onto Yondu's shoulder as they walk out together to re-join the others.

The funeral goes smoothly.  
The colors are a display unlike anything the Guardians have ever seen.  
Everyone gets drunk and celebrates the life of a lover, a first mate, a friend, a brother.  
Peter hears embarrassing stories from Kraglin's past he wish he'd known when he was around to torment with, stories that made his stomach drop, brought tears to his eyes.  
Yondu revels in the nostalgia of memories and perspectives.  
Kraglin will live on not just with him.  
In true Ravager ceremony fashion most over indulge until everyone is going to have a hanger to rival all hangovers.  
Drax made the mistake of trying to drink Aleta under the table after hearing a tale of the time she almost lost to Kraglin if her last three hadn't been switched to water (she always knew Yondu picked a good one), he's been laying under there for the last 3 hours of the jubilee.  
Gamora dragged Peter off to bed shortly after he lost volume control of his voice.  
It's time for the rest of the guests to make their goodbyes and part ways.  
Everyone makes promises to keep in touch, the typical 'if you need anything just ask' and the other usual phrases found floating around a funeral that often get forgotten in a few months.  
Life goes on as always for those still here.  
They stumble to their respective ships to sleep it off and continue on their way.

Yondu feels guilty even thinking about sleep.  
Sleep seems like a waste, every second he spends sleeping is a moment he can't get back.  
He doesn't want to miss a second of anything, for himself, and for Kraglin now.  
There was still so much to do.  
Still so much to see and say.  
He doesn't want to sleep and waste time.  
He can't keep denying he's exhausted though, which he is, in so many ways, but sleep seems like his bodies ultimate betrayal.  
At the same time he wants to go to bed and never get out.  
He wants to sleep as long and as often as he can to lessen the time he has to be awake in this new hell world of no Kraglin.  
It's a double sided coin with a razor edge.

The thought of going to their room and lying in their bed alone makes him sick to his stomach.  
There's no one in there waiting for him, no one to snuggle up to (if Ravagers admitted to such things as 'snuggling').  
He could stack up pillows behind him to mimic the feel of Kraglin being back there to lean against.  
Not the same.  
He could seal the room off, leave it as a shrine to the past and make a different room 'home'.  
The memories would sneak out and whisper him back to the comfort of familiarity.  
He knows if he asks, Peter or Mantis wouldn't hesitate to redecorate, get rid of the bed they shared and make a brand new start out of the place with a few sentimental stragglers.  
As weird as it may seem he hates that idea more than anything.  
Going into the room where they could relax, that saw their rawest forms, their tears and joys, it's sad and so hard to do but at the same time he doesn't want it any other way.  
Even if it hurts, even if it's a constant reminder of what's gone and missing it's also a constant reminder of what he had and what's waiting for him.

Eventually he'll have to replace the mattress.  
Eventually the sheets will start to border on having their own ecosystem and he'll have to at least wash them if Gamora doesn't notice and out right burns them on a visit.  
Eventually the majority of Kraglin's things will slowly relocate to make more room for all he'll amass, new trinkets, treasures and empty Beastie tins.  
Eventually, but for now it's something that doesn't have to change.

It's a struggle to force himself to get up, each step toward the bedroom is a pin prick to his heart right now but he's too worn out not to keep going.  
He hasn't slept in days.  
He got a few cat naps in at the hospital but the last time he got any decent amount of sleep was... well it's not something he wants to really think too hard on.  
He can't avoid it any longer, he has to go to bed, actual bed.  
Chairs aren't exactly conducive to his back health.

There's a wave of sadness that washes over him as he walks into their room.  
It makes his heart ache but at the same time it's almost a good kind of ache.  
The kind of ache that reminds you you're alive.  
That you were loved.

He toes his boots off and tosses his coat in the general direction of a chair as he plods to the bathroom.  
Starring in the mirror all the years look back at him in unison.  
They're still all there after washing his face.  
He brushes his teeth and some where in the little circular motions he realizes how dumb it is.  
He just lost the biggest part of his world and here he is brushing his teeth.  
He never even used to brush his teeth but he kind of picked it up while repairing the broken parts of his relationship with Peter these last few years.  
Kid brushed his teeth way more times than necessary in his book and insisted Yondu and Kraglin start taking an interest in dental hygiene at least during each visit after Gamora complained about 'disgusting Ravager habits' and drinking straight from the jug others use.  
They had to admit it did make kissing a little more enjoyable with the decrease in funk.  
Weird what habits make it through the sorrow.  
He makes a glance at the shower but he just doesn't have the energy for it tonight and no amount of water is going to wash enough away to feel better right now.  
He doesn't really have the energy to change into sleep ware but it's another habit that makes it through.

Yondu crawls into bed, slow and steady.  
He can still faintly smell Kraglin and he has to hold his breath until he's sure what he lets out won't be a sob because it hasn't been _that_ long and his scent is already starting to fade.  
That was so fast.  
It'll be gone all too soon.  
He can't get it back.  
Spraying Kraglin's cologne might help but it won't have that natural undertone that comes from living pheromones.  
It's too quiet, no talking, no snores, no other heart beat to lull him off to dream land.  
He's trying so hard not to dwell on what hurts.

The bed dips behind him.  
Dips like a thousand previous nights.  
He's not asleep so he knows it's not a dream.  
Rocket drank himself unconscious for at least the next 14 hours.  
Peter and him are closer but the kid wouldn't be stupid enough to crawl in bed with him, at least not with a beautiful green assassin in his own damn bed to seek comfort from.  
Besides it's far too familiar, everything about it.  
The way the person gets into bed with their left hand on the mattress first and props themselves up on it once they're in.  
He can feel him pressed against his back and leaning over him just enough he'd have to turn his head slightly to the side to see him.

Yondu doesn't dare move.  
If he does whatever this is might disappear.  
He stares straight ahead even when they put their right arm over him and rest their hand against his shirt close to his hip.  
He wants so bad to take the hand in his like always but he knows if he tries he'll just touch himself and ruin whatever this is.

"Didn't mean to do another mutiny"  
Yondu can feel his eyes start to prickle with the threat of dry tears but he smiles, there's an undertone of humor in the voice.  
"Sorry for leaving ya Captain"  
He can feel breath on the shell of his ear and he closes his eyes to savor it all in.  
If only he still had his Tahlei, he's always been told they help this mystic shit.  
"Ya made tha right call, I know ya ain't wanted to" he can feel the smirk in the words.  
Cheeky bastard.  
Always trying to make him feel better even when he didn't want to.  
The hand moves up his stomach, up his chest and rests over his heart.  
Yondu can feel his body relaxing further and further.  
The heavy pull of slumber that he in no way wants right now because he knows the next time he opens his eyes it'll be over.  
"It's okay"  
There's so much in those two little words, me, you, this, the past, the future, everything... it's okay.  
Yondu is fighting a losing battle and it's all starting to fade little by little as his brain hands the keys to the night shift crew.  
There's a kiss to the skin just below his implant.  
"I love ya... be waitin' for ya.... Yon"

  
~~~~~~~~~~~Years Later~~~~~~~~~~~

Yondu can feel the years as he climbs into bed.  
Playing with the Grandkids sure can wear a man out when they're getting so big.  
Speaking of, he can hear them in the next room as they whine about wanting another bed time story out of their Dad and of course Peter can't tell them no any better than Gamora does, softies.  
This is a good one.  
It's the one about a little boy who thought he lost everything but then he fought planets and Titans and became a hero, saw all the stars in the sky and one day woke up to find he'd had everything he ever wanted each step of the way and everything important was right in front of him to hold forever and ever.  
He can picture Peter leaning forward to hug each of them.  
He can feel Gamora's eyes roll from her and Peter's room down the hall.

Peter sticks his head in his doorway to check on him  
It's the nightly 20 questions game they've been playing for the last couple weeks.  
You'd think he was another one of the damn kids the way Peter's been treating him lately.  
His hands don't shake _that_ much and sure he can't use the arrow anymore but he ain't exactly helpless.  
Maybe he forgets meds once in awhile but he's been retired so long now it's hard to keep track of the days to tell which little compartment he's supposed to be swallowing that day when the days all kind of blend together but he took them today for sure.  
Yeah, yeah, he feels fine, he's just a little extra tired tonight.  
"Love ya Son"  
That happy weird face that Peter makes every time he says it has been strangely just a tad more satisfying than the face he makes when he messes with him like back in the day when the kid was still growing into his Ravager coat.  
He's done most of it right now.

Yondu stretches out as the first light of morning starts to register through his closed eyes.  
He slept like a log and feels great.  
Best sleep of his life must be, nothing pops or cracks or hurts.  
When he sits up and opens his eyes the first thing he sees brings a smile to his face so big it threatens to engulf the whole room.  
There standing in the middle of the room is Kraglin with a smile to match.  
"Hey there Captain"  
Yondu stands and closes the gap to greet him proper after so long of missing him without even thinking.  
When he can feel him he thinks about turning around for just a millisecond but he doesn't have to.  
He knows.  
Kraglin takes his hand in his.  
"Bet ya got so much ta tell me, got to be here for some a' it but I can't wait for ya to fill me all in"

As the room fades around them he isn't sure where they're going but he knows it's going to be okay.

"I should be... with you always"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you tell I like tragic things?  
> Originally I didn't have the "years later" bit but I couldn't resist that one last kick to the heart strings.


	9. Where The Clouds Are Far Behind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the second ending.  
> If you read the first ending (chapter 8) you'll notice like two bits are exactly the same, don't worry, it's meant to be to show how they diverge.

Chapter 9 **Wake Up Where The Clouds Are Far Behind Me**  
Song: Somewhere Over the Rainbow by Israel Kamakawiwo`Ole

Yondu sits on the right hand side of the bed running his fingers over Kraglin's face as if he's trying one last time to make sure it's memorized.  
This is the last chance he's going to get.   
Peter sits in a chair on the left side of the bed holding Kraglin's hand, if he runs out of the hospital it's not likely anyone is going to abduct him and change his world so much he doesn't have time to focus on the pain too often now at his age.  
Rocket sits back by the wall at the foot of the bed out of the way.  
Kraglin is his friend and they've shared a lot together because of that but he doesn't have the extensive history with Kraglin that the other two have with him so he doesn't need to be as physically close right now as they do.  
Kraglin only has two hands to hold and he doesn't want to squish himself between Yondu and Kraglin to hold the other.  
Yondu is likely to pick it up at some point here anyway.

The doctor steps up behind Peter to reach over him, he hesitates long enough to make sure Yondu is absolutely ready and once he gets the nod he starts fiddling with the drip lines, with the monitors, shutting things off while the nurse helps.  
The last thing left is the heart monitor.  
Peter wobbles out something between a sob and a silent scream.  
The doctor asks if they'd like to have it turned off.  
Some need the sound to confirm, to make it real and others are haunted by the sound and don't want to think about it.  
Yondu needs the sound, Peter probably doesn't, but he sure as hell does.  
If he doesn't hear the end with his own ears he's not sure he'll be able to believe it.  
There will always be that looming 'but what if his heart didn't actually stop'.  
It's a conspiracy worthy of Kraglin's imagination of course.  
He knows there's no point in it, he's seen the evidence that it is what it is.  
The doctor nods and he joins the nurse by the door to give them as much privacy as they can while still having to be in the room to confirm exact time.  
Just in case the universe decides to cough up payment on the good karma Yondu has accumulated over the (especially more recent) years.

Kraglin's breath is labored.  
There's long pauses in-between each one.  
Yondu takes Kraglin's hand in one of his and he gently knuckles the side of Kraglin's cheek with the other.  
"Love ya Krags" he whispers so quietly he's not quite sure he's even said it out loud.

Beep  
Beep  
Beep  
Beep

Beep

Beep

Beep

Beep

Everyone is holding their breath, waiting for that last beep before the flat line tone.  
They wait.  
And wait.  
Seconds turn into minutes, minutes turn into over an hour.  
The doctor and nurse talk in hushed tones in the doorway and she leaves.  
She returns with another doctor in tow who evicts everyone so they can examine Kraglin.  
Peter seems to have new found vigor for his over optimism.  
Rocket seems to be skeptically optimistic.  
When the doctors come back out they seem to be mildly optimistic with their findings for now.  
Yondu wants to be optimistic with them but he can't take the pain again if it turns out to be unjustified.  
It's far too early to tell if it is or not.

Yondu is a little mad, just an hour or so ago he was holding Kraglin's hand saying his goodbyes and resigned to let him go.  
Now they're telling him it was all for nothing and he might not have to.  
Not that he's mad about that mind you, he's thanking every star in the sky and diety beyond them that Kraglin seems to be holding his own, but it's just a lot to take in and process.  
The doctor backtracks to say that you can't tell exactly what will happen when someone's support functions are ended and that it's something close to a miracle that Kraglin is still hanging on.  
The could keep him off all the machines, see what happens, he'd more than likely expire if from nothing else but exhaustion since his body is still very much injured and weak.  
By putting him back on they give him a chance to keep heading in the right direction, which despite all logic he seems to be going.  
Kraglin is hooked back up to most of the machinery.  
It's back to waiting on pins and needles.  
It's back to fearing another shoe will drop.  
Dumb bastard never did know when to quit fighting.  
Thank Anthos.

Peter and Rocket start whispering after a few more hours, they seem to be making it a point to keep Yondu out of the loop of their conspiring as they excuse themselves from the room.  
He can't tell why but he gets the feeling it's not to go update the other Guardians.  
Yondu is too drained to ask what they're up to though and it's nice to have the alone time with Kraglin, even if he doesn't know he's there.  
They both come back just about the time Yondu is getting concerned they've abandoned him now that Kraglin seems to be on the edge of the woods instead of lost in the forest anymore.  
Apparently Peter has managed to do something to piss Gamora off when they show back up, shocker, he doesn't ask what it is but he steals glimpses of the texts she's sending.  
The whole 'we shouldn't meddle' and 'could make things worse' should have made him question what was going on but at the time he had chocked it up to hero business and he had given her shit advice to deal with whatever she was doing to save the galaxy on Peter's behalf while Peter was here.  
He should have questioned Rocket further when he said who he kept texting was 'doctors and stuff, to consult' but the _stuff_ part was probably better left alone for plausible deniability if it's something to help that Kraglin won't like when he wakes up, blame the raccoon that sounds like a good idea.  
He has enough on his plate with the parade of doctors who come to see Kraglin.  
Seems every specialist in the place wants to check on the miracle patient who isn't exactly improving but refusing to die.  
More like get a chance to add their name to the bill.  
After a few weeks he forgets all about it.

There's a commotion down by the nurses station loud enough to startle Yondu out of a sound sleep.  
When he jokingly asks Peter and Rocket what they've done they both surprisingly look guilty as hell and hem and haw avoiding his eyes.  
Wall and floor gotten mighty interesting all of a sudden.  
That's when he hears a familiar voice shout "I don't give a shit! Stop me, there's 98 others to deal with in orbit."  
Two in blue jump suits poke their heads in the door before setting up residence on either side of it.  
He can hear heavy boot steps coming down the hall.  
They wouldn't.  
They didn't.  
He glares at Peter and Rocket and he growls.  
Those two fucking bastards.

Peter and Rocket can't scurry out of the room fast enough as they apologize and tell him to just listen.

Yondu stands with his back to Stakar, arms crossed over his chest, teeth silently grinding together.  
"Yondu, I, there's a time and place for everything and I know you hate me, I don't blame you for that Son, but we're family and family is family even if it isn't the one you're born to but who you find along the way. I haven't been the family you needed, I saw that all too late."  
Yondu makes a noise that isn't quite a grunt but not exactly a growl, he eyes Stakar from his peripheral but that's the only acknowledgment he gets that he's not being outright ignored.  
"I know what you're thinking, that whole don't know what you got till it's gone shit and I lost you once already but that was different. I could have called you and I knew you'd pick up. This... this is... Yondu I wanted to tell you I'd be here more than anything."  
'That's why I didn't answer your calls' Yondu thinks.  
"I don't have any right to be here, I know that. I treated Kraglin like shit, I wanted better for you, I didn't see what you did and then he took you away from us."  
Yondu is almost tempted to turn around, the thought of Stakar being jealous of anyone else is a look he wants to see but he doesn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he's interested in anything he has to say.  
"I admit it, he didn't mean anything to me, but you do. I want to be here for you, to help for your sake if you'll let me after everything that's gone so wrong. I want to make it better, I have a healer like no other..."  
Yondu can hear his steps coming up behind him and he bristles, body dipping to fight or flight mode.  
Stakar sighs and places a hand on Yondu's shoulder, "I know it's just words Son, but for what little it's worth, I'm sorry".  
Sorry for what you're going through now.  
Sorry for pushing you away.  
Sorry I don't seem to know how to do any of it right.  
Stakar turns to leave but Yondu abruptly stops him by finally turning around and grabbing his forearm.

Shit.  
He doesn't know what to say.  
Maybe he should have just let him slink off but as much as he hates it he wants to accept his apology.  
It takes a big man to admit when they've done wrong by someone.  
Peter's always going on and on about family and sticking together and second chances, all the other bullshit Yondu choked up to being a sentimental fool.  
The older he gets, the more he's spent time with people who honestly care, the more he thinks maybe being soft isn't what he thought it was.  
Maybe he could take a page from Peter's book.  
He could take it slow, take a couple bricks down at a time but keep the cement close in case he needed to put them back between them later.  
If it can help Kraglin...

"Where's this healer of yours at?" Yondu says as he goes back to holding his arms across his chest in a defensive manor.  
Stakar smiles, it's a foot in the door at least, a step in the right direction, "waiting on my ship, I wasn't sure if you'd shoot us before I could open my mouth or not. I'll bring them".  
At the door he turns his head slightly to catch a glimpse of Yondu one last time "thank you, Son".  
With that he's gone.  
Yondu turns to Kraglin and for the first time since coming here he can honestly say he feels some kind of relief.  
If anyone could get a healer worthy of fixing Kraglin and force the planet and hospital to let them through it's a Ravager army.  
The only red tape the 99 deal with is the kind someone bled on.

Stakar's own personal ship medic unhooks Kraglin under Yondu's careful watch as the healer they've brought softly touches Kraglin's forehead.  
Yondu can't see the healer to see what species they are or if they're male or female.  
Not that it matters, while he might not fully trust Stakar he does trust both Peter and Rocket with his life, with Kraglin's life.  
They might have went behind his back and, Gamora was right, meddled to get Stakar here with help but they wouldn't have done it with out making assurances everything was on the up and up and safe.  
The healer uses some kind of mystic voodoo from the time of the birth of the stars.  
Yondu asks about equivalent exchange, if Kraglin finds out he's alive because they snuffed out some innocent person's life he'll be in just as much shit as if he replaced all this organs.  
He's assured that's not how it works and even if it is the healer would take that cosmic energy from a war lord, a serial pedophile, a slaver or the likes, someone who deserves to die, because unlike others who practice the art they don't believe in 'genie wishes' so to speak.  
The ones where you have to word things carefully because _I wish I could fly_ turns you into a mindless insect.  
No child or innocent person will die to take Kraglin's place nor will their health fail to make Kraglin better.

They only ask for two things: to see Yondu's memories and to be alone in the room to work.  
When they ask to see Yondu's memories Stakar looks indignant and says he's already told them they were both worthy of helping and they'd agreed to do it as a favor regardless.  
The beings eyes glow from the darkness of the hood of their cloak and he falls silent resembling a chastised child without them speaking so much as a word in return.  
They've already seen Kraglin's memories from what Yondu can gather, much like Mantis he assumes that's what they were doing when they placed a single finger to his forehead when they first came in so he agrees.  
He doesn't like the idea but his fears have been put to rest at least.  
When the healer touches his forehead there's a mild burning sensation before his life flashes before his eyes at break-neck speed and before he can even really register what he's seeing it's over.  
They step back and nod.  
Stakar wraps an arm around Yondu's shoulders and they leave them to their work.  
As they join Peter and Rocket in the hallway there's a weird sensation in the air, something slightly electric and almost tangible before an eerie light with the swirling light of stars, planets and galaxies seeps just barely from the gap at the bottom of the door and time seems to stand still until the light goes out.  
Then the door opens.  
The healer nods at them and the two members of Stakar's crew who were guarding the door follow them down the hall.

Kraglin is breathing well on his own.  
When the monitors are hooked back up they show he's stable and as healed as can be given the extensive injuries he had.  
He's not 100% by any means, it's not a full miracle cure.  
Kraglin is going to need a good deal of physical therapy and there's going to be some lasting side effects.  
It's not perfect but beggars can't be choosers and Yondu is certainly not going to complain.   
Stakar and his personal medic make their goodbye before Kraglin has a chance to wake up.  
Stakar figures his face isn't one Kraglin wants to see right away and Yondu can discuss everything he needs to with him as far as Stakar is concerned without added pressure of him being there.  
He might have started on the path to repairing his relationship with Yondu but he'd never even acknowledged there was one with Kraglin so it's going to take more to forge that trail head.  
Smart man.

It takes a full day before Kraglin opens his eyes.  
It takes exactly 5 minutes after that before he wants to get out of the hospital and never see it again.  
That's not an option.  
It takes another three months of intensive therapy and a few minor surgeries before they deem him well enough to board a space ship to make his escape.  
He's got half a pharmacy to take with him, a wheel chair, a list of therapy exercises to keep doing and that bag to shit in Yondu said he wouldn't care about way back when it all began.  
The chair isn't permanent but he is encouraged to use it as much as possible and not over do it.  
Despite Kraglin's protests that he'll be damned if he can't walk around their own ship when it isn't that big and be stuck in a chair Yondu and Rocket have already made the ship accessible so he _can_ if need be before he even steps foot on it.  
They've also added a bunch of equipment to help with his ongoing therapy and hand rails around.

At first Kraglin feels like a burden.  
It doesn't help that every time Peter and his friends come visit he asks if they've changed their mind about moving in with them so they have more help.  
Some times he questions if Yondu doesn't invite them around just to get a break for him but then Yondu hovers and swoops in and won't let them help when they're there anyway.  
It's almost comical how over protective he's become.  
Nebula doesn't find it comical, she's not entirely convinced it isn't some kind of abusive relationship when Kraglin's legs give out and he almost collapses and Yondu rushes over to catch him then call him a dumbass.  
"I told ya not to fuckin' over do it dumbass!! Where's ya dast wheels at?" he resembles a parent forcibly making their child sit in a time-out chair as he shoves him down "you're scrawny ass is going to stay, I better not see ya up walkin' again the rest a' the day or else, ya hear me?" he shouts wagging his finger in Kraglin's face.  
"Aye-Aye Captain" Kraglin even gives the Ravager solute and Yondu has to try hard not to smile around his scowl.  
Sassy brat.  
Mantis takes Nebula's hand to keep her from interfering.  
"That is just one of the ways they say they love each other" she quips.  
Well, if the rest of them are family but fight all the time amongst themselves maybe saying I love you can look and sound different too.

Kraglin heals well, he's never 100% again but he's here and to him and Yondu that means the galaxy.  
They don't know how long they have to be together.  
The universe can be a cruel mistress and things can change in the bat of an eye or a snap of a finger.  
They don't take a minute of that for granted.  
They make sure they find a balance between making sure there's as many minutes as possible while living life to it's fullest.  
Hopefully when Lady Death comes calling again they'll be one those couples on the news that pass about the same time from old age holding hands.

"I should be... with you always"

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I could have had the healer make this big miracle to-do but I didn't want to lol It's easy to rely on magic to just erase everything and be good as new and I felt like it was just a cop-out so I wanted them to heal him but not have this big totally happy rainbows and sunshine ending even though it's the more "happy" ending.

**Author's Note:**

> Titles come from the song I listened to while working on this story.  
> If you want more sad sprinkled on your bleak give them a listen!  
> Main title is I Should Be from Space Dandy  
> If there's a tag you think I should add let me know, I know this is a deep subject and everyone has different triggers so don't be afraid to speak up!  
> I can't make any promises of how often I'll add chapters but I'll try not to make it too long between as long as I know people are still interested in it.


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